I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
2001-02-05 - 981371089
Today was role reversal day. Carey went out and did things and I stayed home. I did see Aubrey for a bit. He drove over in his new car. He got an Audi, a sporty model too. I'm so proud of him. He hasn't gotten a cool car in years. He's been getting Mercedes; the last one was the worst, a Mercedes SUV. This car looked good and seemed to be fun to drive. We went over to my Alma Mater, Queens College. Aubrey and his wife are interested in perhaps taking continuing Ed courses. I was looking at the Catalogue and found one that I might be interested. Aubrey was interested in accounting and real Estate. Me? I liked the singing class. I always knock my singing but Leah and Carey said that if I had some training I wouldn't be terrible. I love to sing so it's very tempting. The time isn't good but perhaps some other time I'll give it a try. It was nice to spend some time alone with Aubrey even if it wasn't that long.
The rest of the day I pretty much wasted. I spent quite some time trying to design some t-shirts. I bought an iron-on kit and I'm making some shirts for Carey and I to wear to see Slaid. I had them all done then found that I couldn't invert the image like I need to. No wonder Graphic Artists work in Mac. This isn't that unusual thing to need to do but MS Publisher won't do it. I used card making program I have to redesign the shirts and it does do the inverting but I couldn't make the shirts look as good using it. I'm sending the original design to Leah who said she might have something that can do the trick. That would be nice. Otherwise I go with the B material. I have to remember to buy the shirts tomorrow though.
Just to prove I'm a total Batnose I brought home my textbook for the Math for Poets class so I could prepare the lesson for tomorrow. I never opened it of course and will end up preparing on the train ride in tomorrow. I'm teaching logic, which I never taught, and haven't looked at in over 20 years. I love working without a net.
Tina called me today and I didn't like the way I acted with her. Tina used to be one of my best friends but I can't put up with her any more. That doesn't mean I should be unkind to her though. She starting asking me what I did this weekend and that started a bad reaction in me. In the past she often ridiculed me so I don't like talking about my personal life with her. When I do talk she never seems interested but if I don't tell her she interrogates me. I didn't want to tell her about Leah Friday so I told her I didn't want to talk about it. When she pushed I just said straight out that I didn't want to talk about m private life with her. This really hurt her. I called her back later and apologized but the harm was done. The problem is that I don't really want to talk to her.
This whole thing got me thinking about emotional inertia. Our feelings always lag behind the facts. We still feel the same way about people after their behavior towards us really should make us reconsider. It takes time though. We still love people who mistreat us because we are in the habit of loving them. I know that it's taken me years sometimes for my emotions to catch up with reality. I think that if Richard my best friend from Kindergarten through High School showed up I'd still love him even though he totally dumped me as a friend. If I had some contact with him in the mean time it would be different but I have not seen him since High School.
I see the same things in my friends. We all know people who have been dumped by a lover or had their lover cheat on them or even beat them but still love them. We have all done the same thing ourselves. It can happen with friends too of course. You think of the person and it still makes you feel good even though you know the friendship isn't the same anymore. It's something where it's so easy for your rational mind to see what is happening but so hard to do anything about. The one thing I try to do is to not let myself think about the person. When I catch myself thinking about the person I try to change the subject. The worst thing to do is to fantasize about how you can turn back the clock and make things right. Sometimes things do change and get better but that happens on its own, not by plan. I had one friend I didn't talk to over a year in a meaningful way but we got back to being friends once I stopped trying to be her friend.
Emotional Inertia must serve some evolutionary purpose it is so common and so uncomfortable. The one thing I can think of is that it helps perpetuate stabile marriages, which is very good for producing grandchildren, the measure of evolutionary success. It still can hurt so much when you feel it in reality not the abstract.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile 2001-02-05
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