I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

October 25, 2013 - 4:04 p.m.

I'll Be My Own Mirror

I didn't get to write between classes. I did school work again. What is this with me? People might get the impression that I'm dedicated. I am but I dont want people to have that impression.

I think that decided what I'm going to write about, self-image. It's been flittering around my head so I might as well give it some attention. LORi and I have been doing a back and forth about 5 facts about atheists. Fact three includes, "14% of those who call themselves atheists also say they believe in God or a universal spirit." I hate this! It's the opposite of the reasons I'm an atheist. These people like the way being an atheist feels so they call themselves atheists despite the fact that they aren't. Lori says maybe they just don't know what atheist means but I think that's pretty clear and can only be a tiny sliver. I often see people using terms to feel good and I'm sure that's the bulk of what's happening here. I'm sure it happens the other way too. Believe say they are religious when they don't because it's good to be "god fearing."

Not to a different tack. My own self-image. Let's start simple, with appearance. My opinion on that changes constantly. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone that's OK. Sometimes I think I even look good. Then I think, but women don't act like I'm attractive and that is the only part of being attractive that I actually care about.

But then I dont' care that much about how I look. The other day someone said I had a rash on my forehead. It didn't even occur to me to worry about how it looked. I was worried about what it could be symptomatic of. I don't want to get dermatitis again. That itches like hell. That I care about.

But then I actually pay attention to how I dress some days. Today I'm wearing all black. That was not an accident. I like the look.

Some days I just throw on what's comfortable or clean and don't care how I look at all. So do I care? I guess the answer is, sometimes.

Let's move on to my anxiety. Yes I'm bouncing all over the place. I've read things like "Having anxiety doesn't mean you are weak. " I forgot the rest. Something about trying to be strong. But no, it is a weakness. Just like my weak ankles make skating difficult my emotional weakness makes it hard for me to do simple things. I'm not differently abled, I'm disabled. In that particular way. It does not mean I'm helpless. It doesn't affect my value as a human being. The anxiety is bad but that doesn't make me bad. I don't need to make up stories to comfort children to keep my self-esteem. I'm a totally wreck about some things and it has huge negative consequences but my self-image is still positive. I like myself. I'm smart, funny, caring, and adorable in some monotreme sort of way. Im also someone that can freeze and not be able to do things that need to be done. They are in no way mutually exclusive. And part of my self-image is that I reject notions that the anxiety value free. If I felt that way I'd feel worse about myself. I also hate participation awards and the idea that everyone deserves praise for everything. We are not all Anthony from "It's a Good Life" the classic short story that was made into the classic Twilight Zone episode about the kid with mental powers around whom you could only say positive things or you'd suffer the consequences.

So what else do I think about myself? I think that I have written enough today. I'm off in a bit to see Red Molly at the Rubin Museum. I was not going to go to the show. I was going to stay home and get some rest but then Ken won tickets from WFUV and couldn't find someone to go with and I couldn't resist. Tomorrow I'm seeing Zoe Lewis.. I guess I'll sleep after the WFUV pledge drive is over.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile October 25, 2013
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