I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

November 13, 2013 - 4:30 p.m.

My Radar was not on On Your Radar

I'm not sure exactly how this is going to go. I went to John Platt's On Your Radar and I always write about that but my experience took place in the darkness behind my eyes.

To my surprise I have discovered that some artists and presenters are disappointed when I don't write about shows. As I made a decision to write less about them that can be a problem, I don't like disappointing people. And then there are times like last night when I'm going through an internal crisis and the outside becomes not a fog but distorted by funhouse mirrors.

I'll write a bit about the musicians and I apologize for not writing more about them and my friends.

I first knew Melissa Greener as a friend of friends who lived on the Lower East Side. I don't think I ever managed to see her perform till she moved to Nashville. She is one of the performers I never need to ask, "why am I seeing her?" Her viewpoint and music are her own. She plays solo backed with her electric guitar. I know I have seen that. I know Pal Shazar does and I think Jeremiah has but I'm not sure. Oh and Pete Kennedy has. But even Richard Thompson plays acoustic when he's solo. Like Scott Wolfson she gives me cognitive dissonance. Her voice and singing style arent what you'd expect from her personality and material

There is no way I can be fair to Moors and McCumber as this was my first time hearing them. I was far too distracted to judge them.

The Levins showed off their silly side. That's a good thing. People do not give silly its due. Think honestly, which has added more to your life, Masterpiece Theater or Monty Python's Flying Circus? The Livens just needed to sing more Yiddish. That's a joke. I'm being silly. Oh and as Renita pointed out to me, "silly" originally meant "saintly."

After the show I hung out a bit in the back room but my heart wasn't in it. Kudos to Beth for immediately picking up something was wrong.

Last night something new happened. Usually I can always sleep and always eat. In fact when I'm upset I eat more. I just could not get myself to eat. I walked into Shake Shack when I passed it and walked out. I was able to sleep on the ride from Borough Hall to home. It's only about 10 minutes but it helped. I felt up to eating when I got out and went to Popeye's. But then the one person in front of me on the line took forever and by the time it was my turn I lost my appetite. I never had dinner last night. All I ate all day was breakfast, though that was a big one.

I had one of my anxiety/depression specials. Here's the meta on it. I pride myself on being rational. I might not always act rationally but I know what the rational thing to do is. When the anxiety/depression revs up I just retain enough rationality to know that I can't trust my reasoning. It's like Terry Pratchett, my favorite living author. He knows he has early onset Alzheimer's and that it's progressing. Most of the time he is now still brilliant but he knows that it isn't always and that it will become more and more the exception. I'm not progressing but I know that I am in no shape to actually judge how things are. The anxiety has the upper hand. When given possibilities I see the bad ones far more than the others. I'm not paranoid and I'm not delusional. My concerns are real but they are all that I felt. Not the more benign explanations of things.

On the walk home from the Popeye's I tried to snap out of it. I stopped dragging my feet and took confident strides. I sang this:

It helped a bit but I was still in my funk. I tried to talk to the people that I know can help me but they couldn't talk. So I turned to Phineas and Ferb. I could enjoy it but it still didn't make me feel better. So I took advantage of the fact that I can still always fall asleep so for once I got to bed early, before midnight and fell quickly into Morpheus's embrace.

I'd say didn't dream but of course I did. I just don't remember them. As I hoped that helped. In the morning I was feeling fine. I know things weren't fine as it took me too long to get out of the house but it wasn't oppressive. Sleep does a few things. It reboots the system so it can clear out the random errors that have crept in. And when you sleep you actually work on things that you've been thinking about. Perhaps in my dreams I saw the better possibilities.

The anxiety is back now but not as bad a last night. I'm going to eat some therapy food. I am pretty sure I'm back to being able to eat. I have nothing on the menu tonight and I'm going to take it easy. I'll write up the blog I didn't have time to finish yesterday on my top NERFA discoveries and rip some CDS I got there. Then I'll watch something on Amazon Prime.

My watch band has been breaking and today it bit the dust. I am going to buy a new watch not just a new band as I dislike the watch. Oh and I need to buy socks too. So perhaps I won't take things as easy as I thought I would.

I just chatted with Carolyn and the anxiety ran away. It will be back but a bit less intense. The waves go in and out but the tide is ebbing.

We didn't talk about my problems at all. She doesn't even know that I had a problem. We spoke of happy things, of music, jamming, Falcon Ridge, and NERFA and let's not forget Winter Falcon Ridge where you ride sleds down the hill to the main stage.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile November 13, 2013
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