I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

May 29, 2012 - 4:53 p.m.

No Depression

Im out of apartment leads for the nonce so I can squeeze in time for Wise Madness. Now if I can only remember whats going on in my life so I can write about it.

Yesterday I went to the Met game with Alan. I know what you are thinking, Hes confused already, he went to the Met game with Alan on Sunday. But no I am not confused. After not going to a game all year Ive been to two in a row. The difference is this time the Mets lost. You cant win them all. The Mets are over .500 but they probably wont stay that way. Every statistical measure shows that theyve been lucky. The surest sign is that theyve given up more runs than theyve scored. Look for them fortunes to turn south. Im seeing myself up to not be disappointed.

I should have done that while apartment hunting. I found a place right around the corner from my secretary/friend/hand-holder-in-chiefs apartment where Ive been staying. Everything looked great about it I was set to take it as long as nothing too large and furry or with more than 4 legs was living in it. When I got there I found that the place was already rented and he had neglected to call me. I was not a happy camper. I drowned my sorrows in jerk chicken and plantains with a chocolate milk shake for dessert. I have a pretty consistent approach to cheering myself up, food.

I had therapy today and after that my new tradition of two weeks going to Sausage Inc Inc. Im still not sure about my therapist. Im feeling better but Im pretty sure that most off the credit goes to my secretary/friend/hand-holder-in-chief, her family. The sausage and the lovely woman that works at sausage inc who I talk to when Im there get more credit too.

I should say what I ordered. Here is the menu:

My first time there I got the Blanco. This time went for the spicier Chipolata. Next time it's the Farmer. I think I prefer the Blanco but I'm sure there are times I'll be in the mood for the Chipolata. I do intend on eating there whenever I have therapy. It gets the Horvendile seal of approval.

Before therapy I got a phone call that helped too. It was about another apartment that was cheaper than the one I missed out on last night. It isnt as close to friends but the neighborhood is super convenient. Im going to see it tomorrow. Im seeing another apartment tonight. That one isnt as exciting.

As I was walking to Sausage Inc and looking forward to it I realized I was walking with a spring in my step and I was smiling. As a matter of fact I was happy. Shouldn't I be depressed? Objectively my life is going pretty bad. My limbic system knows that. It's sending me anxiety attacks. My frontal cortex knows that. Intellectually I see that my life fits the classic criteria of sucking. Not only that but I'm a vortex of ill-fortune. My friends' lives are sucking too. As Buffy would say it's a whole big sucking thing. By all rights I should be miserable. But I'm not. My brain has some big problems but I must have paid up on the extra anti-depressant package. Maybe it's because I read Krugman's, Stop This Depression Now..

This does fit in with what I've observed. Some people will be depressed no matter what is going on around them. They'll find some reason to be unhappy and dwell on it. Like Boromir they bring their evil into Lothlorien. Others are like Sam or Merry or Pippin and can stay cheerful on the marches of Morder. I've been depressed plenty of times in my life. I'm just going to be grateful that I'm not depressed now.

My life sucks but at least I have people that care about me. I have people to help me. I have people to hear me kvetch. I even have Gentle Readers. I was telling the shrink about music and Falcon Ridge and the Budgiedome today. That was part of what was putting the bounce in my step. Those are great things to have in my life and I realize that I'm lucky to have them.

I'm functioning now. I still have anxiety, I'm still getting that feeling in my gut but I'm also writing people about apartments even calling them. I couldn't have done that a few weeks ago. I couldn't call good friends then. I'm not getting over the anxiety but I have the strength to deal with it now, at least somewhat. I can still freeze up at any time but not to a total standstill.

So that's today's state of the Horvendile.Tonight I'm going to look at an apartment then race off to the Housing Works Bookshop to see The Lowbrow Reader Variety Hour featuring Supercute and Professor Irwin Corey, the world's foremost expert! Anyone else grow up loving Professor Corey? It's going to be close timing. I'll miss the beginning. If you are going to be there don't let Supercute or Professor Corey go on first and tell whoever is on first to suck till I get there.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile May 29, 2012
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