I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

November 25, 2013 - 11:00 p.m.

Echidna with the Blue Socks On

I'm not going to beat around the bush; I promised an idiot story on Facebook and I'm going to start with it. After spending the weekend in bed I felt well enough yesterday to go out. I timed things a bit close but I went to Trader Joe's and got out in record time because I used a new shopping list app where I arranged what I needed in geographic order. I could never get myself to do that with a paper list but it's so easy on the app. I got home, had time to put away the groceries, put on my silk long underwear, it was cold, and head out. My plan was to see Metropolitan Klezmer at the Cornelia Street Caf. I have never seen them before but I just recently friended Eve Sicular, the durmmer/bandleader, on Facebook. We met through comments on a mutual friends page. I have seen or at least heard their sister band, The Isle of Klezbos, which might just be the best band name ever. It's really easy to get there. I just take the train to Atlantic the switch to the or . I go the same way to school and always take the because the transfer is easier than on the . So that's what I did last night. A came first and was held in the station for 5 minutes. Then there was a 15 minute wait till the next train. It was a . Then I realized it was Sunday and the wasn't running. Know why I did that? Because I'm an idiot. Aren't you paying attention? What is particularly galling is that I pride myself as a master commuter. I stand in exactly the right spot. I know the excite timing. I just don't know what day of the week it is.

Now for the meta-idiot story. After class I figured I had nothing planned today so I could take my time before I got back to writing. I got to that last paragraph, looked a the time, and realized I had to leave for therapy in five minutes. I forgot all about it. So that's why I didn't update this afternoon. I'm an idiot squared.

So I see myself as an idiot. I also see myself as intelligent. I see both those things at the same time. And that's the segue into what I really want to talk about, the Horvendile Uncertainty Principle. You can never be certain of perceptions of yourself. You can be even less certain of other people's perceptions of you. It's of course clearer in other people. Make a quick list of friends who judge themselves incorrectly. How many great people do you know who don't know they are great?

So let's start with a clichd example. People's body image misconceptions,. I was just talking about this with a friend who said she didn't realize how hot she must have been based on the guys that she routinely turned down. Then we started looking at old pics. Women sometimes think it's a female thing but it isn't. I look at old pics and go, "I was cute? Why didn't I know it?"

Why did I think I was fat here?

Why did I think I was unattractive graduating high school?

Even in college I looked fine.

I'm on the right

But my perception was at least sometimes more like this Doctor Who monster.

But that's just the easy surface stuff there are more complex misconceptions. The toughest for me is judging how other people think about me. The number of people I'm secure about it small. I used to often feel alienated. That's rarer now but it still come now and then. I still get afraid that people only like me in small doses. And it's not that I always underrate how people feel. It's that I've overrated it so often. I just can't judge and I bet other people feel the same way. I hope other people feel the same way. I can't judge.

That was sort of what I wanted to write about but then I got distracted. I was thinking about me at NERFA. What am I doing there? I'm not a performer, I'm not much of a presenter, I do the Budgiedome and I help with John Platt's On Your Radar, and I unofficially promote a number of shows. And maybe that adds up to someone that belongs but I think it's about my monotreme magnetism, that I'm cute in a spiny anteater sort of way.

spiny anteater aka echidna

That's totally me. I'm totally accepted as part of the NERFA community because who is going to turn away that? So now I want to make a movie about NERFA where I'm played by a human sized CGI echidna, At the guerillas he wears a hoodie and ridiculous blue slipper socks.

Can't you just see me, well the echidna, having serious musical discussions with performers? Discussing performers with presenters, and most importantly, and talking to beautiful women while creepy guy number 3 is jealous. OK he doesn't actually go to NERFA but that's a funny image so I'm putting it in there. Yes this serious idea has been hijacked by my sense of humor. There should be random moments where Spiny Norman, the hedgehog from Monty Python comes out from behind a pillar and says "Dinsdale!"

So that's my current view of myself. I'm sticking with in even though I'm certain that I can't possibly know the truth. Brianne any time you want to make the movie I'll gladly do the voice part.

OK back to the uncertainty principle. It's something I'm certain of because I know how confused I get about myself and I see how wrong others are. I just had a conversation today with someone who apologized for behavior I found charming. He/she totally misjudged how it appeared to me.

Which reminds me of something else. I have had three phone conversations the last four days and I didn't make any of the calls. I was going to say "see how wrong I was about people not calling me" but I'm not. This was a fluke. A happy fluke, and maybe a taste of things to come but not what to expect based on history. But I'm not looking a give horse in the mouth. It's making me happy thinking about it.

Oh, health, happiness. I am not sick but I did get tired tonight. That's part of why this is being posted so late. I took a nap. And I've been running to the bathroom more than my friend who took a prep for a colonoscopy tonight. But I have made the decision that I'm not sick. My digestive system is just doing an excellent imitation of a percolator. And clearly I'm still in good spirits. My concerns now are for friends not myself.

I planned on writing poem tonight, my first in ages but now I'm too sleepy. Maybe tomorrow or maybe I let the moment slip away.

Now I have to figure out what to write tomorrow morning as I am not going to write about the only thing I'm going to be doing out of bend between now and then, running ot the bathroom.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile November 25, 2013
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