I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
April 21, 2018 - 2:46 p.m.
The WFUV pledge drive is over and once again I'll be writing every day; except maybe tomorrow. I never feel old. I feel the way I always have felt. What's different is that it takes me longer to recover from the drive; the first thing to go are the legs. My legs have always had problems; I get edema from standing so much. Now it takes longer to go away. They look fine, but my legs still feel heavy. I woke up this morning then kept falling back to sleep at my computer. That's why I'm writing so late. Now I have breakfast and two cups of coffee in me; I am powered up and anything is possible.
Volunteering takes a lot out of me physically, but it pumps a lot into me mentally; it recharges my emotional batteries. Anxiety and depression are pushed out of the way. I spend my time with fun people. I supervise the phone volunteers, much of my job is fixing glitches, of both computer and human origin. While at times it might seem annoying, in total it's intellectually stimulating. One of the things I've learned over the years is how much I can expect of different people and not demanding more than someone is capable of. That was a difficult lesson. I want people to do things right, but I have to accept good enough. That makes both others and myself happier and more productive.
Another skill I've improved at over the years is learning names, especially the students working at the station. It helps that they all have the same name. This drive there was a Briane, a Brianne, and a Brianna. There's also my oldest friend among the volunteers, Brian. There are also about 100 Megan variations working there. Think the school's Irish Catholic roots has an effect? Then there is the Latinate trio, Julia, Olivia, and Maria. As proud as I am for learning names I had to ask Nick and Chris for their names and they are graduating seniors that I'm friendly with.
One of the best thing for my psyche is that so many people there, volunteers, students, and staff, are obviously happy to see me. I'm always insecure about that but there is one test that can't be faked, when someone spots you and instantly bursts out in a smile. Everyone else hates me. At least Lori not LORi does. I hardly saw her this drive. Good thing she comes with Rona and Bob, they love me.
Jim is my work husband. We took the test printed in the Times that Immigration gives to immigrants who claim to be married to American citizens, so they can stay in this country. When someone asked how we did, Jim said, "We didn't fail."
Yesterday I had to leave early for therapy. I was time for my evaluation. My depression has been downgraded to mild. I failed at depression. I entertain my therapist; apparently other patients don't make jokes like that.
My goal for last night was not moving. I succeeded. I spent the evening sitting on my couch with my feel elevated on a chair above my heart. I caught up on TV. I'm not all caught up, but I made progress.
Amy Kucharik sent me a copy of her brand-new album, Until the Words are Gone. I've been listening on repeat since I woke up. I want to write about it, but I have to get ready to go out now. I'm volunteering at Common Ground Coffeehouse, Mary Gauthier is playing. I'm going out every day for a while but as soon as I have a chance I'll write about Amy's album. I'll give you the short version now. My reaction on hearing it all is to ask her to marry me. I have no idea of her relationship status but as you know that doesn't have much bearing with me when it comes to fiancées.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
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