I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

April 02, 2015 - 10:57 a.m.


I'm very unhappy with myself. I didn't do any of the things I needed to do yesterday. I am locked in anxiety. Now I'm not angry with myself. I'm unhappy. There's a difference. I've avoided doing something that desperately needs to be done for almost a week. It should not be a difficult thing but that's how it always goes. My rational mind can see the irrationality clearly. I tried to do it many times yesterday. Each time I felt like I was about to dive off the 10m platform. I often say I can't find the words to describe things but that's just about perfect. It isn't the 3m board, it's the 10m platform. I picture that and feel exactly the same.

I wonder if anybody with anxiety reads this so they can feel they aren't the only one. I know I'm not the only one because I'm so open about it myself that other people are open about it to me.

I looked at my diary idea list and it's all about big political things. Two of the three are related to the Islamic world. I feel weird discussing the problems of the world when I can't face my own problems. But the thing is I can face the problems of the world. I am capable when not paralyzed by anxiety.

Know something I'm not going to write about that stuff. I'm going to try very hard to get something done. I'll dive off the platform and not envision the belly flop over and over again. Wow, just writing that sentence gave me anxiety. When I've done this I can work on my fantasy baseball team. That will take my mind off other things. Of course I have anxiety about that too. OK. Here it goes. I'm not going to try a swan dive. I cover my nose and do a cannonball. Um can you survive a cannonball from 30m? I guess we'll find out.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile April 02, 2015
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