I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
2001-11-28 - 11:56 p.m.
Back in March this diary was pretty much my medical journal, now it'd becoming my father's.
This morning I was awakened when my mother told me that she needed my help getting my father into the car for his doctor visit. I tried to get him to stand but I couldn't. If I could I would have been afraid to take him out anyway. He was far too weak. He couldn't even keep his eyes open. After some discussion with my mother we decided to call the doctor. He agreed with me that he needed to go to the hospital. We called 911 and the paramedics arrived promptly. After the usual preliminary questions they got him into a stretcher chair and into the ambulance. They had to check to see if LIJ was taking ambulance patients, they were which is a good thing since that is where his doctor is. My mother rode with him and I drove to the hospital.
As I said before I hate emergency rooms. We waited around all day without much getting done. They did the same tests as on Sunday but today he had a bit more water in his lungs and his blood oxygen levels were lower so they admitted him. He looked better once he got the oxygen. I had never seen him look worse than he did this morning. They still have no idea what is wrong with him. Tomorrow they are doing a CT scan.
I'm wonder if he is going to have to find the "magic doctor." When I first got sick with my Crohn's disease I saw about half a dozen doctors who didn't know what was wrong with me. Finally one pointed me in the direction of Dr. Katzka, a gastroenterologist. He diagnosed me in about 5 minutes. Perhaps something like that will happen with my father.
I called my sister Sue before we left for the hospital. My parents never like worrying my sisters who live out of town but I know that the want to be kept informed. It is the same way I feel. When I was in college my father had an infarction (heart attack) and they didn't tell me for weeks. I am still upset over that.
Sue asked me if I thought that dad was going to die. I told her no. His doctor is concerned but not like it is life or death. He'd have been in the hospital long before this if the doctor thought it was that serious. I have quite a bit of faith in my family's ability to overcome illness. Aubrey says my family gets everything but we always have favorable outcomes in the end. It's true. I was never at all afraid for myself and my fear for my father is manageable. I'm worried of course as you can tell. I've been writing about him every day. It is something that I know I can't really do anything about and that helps.
We ended up staying at the hospital till about 4 PM. Once we heard that he was admitted we left. He didn't have a room yet they had to wait for a bed to open. I wanted to leave though because the long day was taking its toll on my mother. My father called around 5:30 from his room, he was settled in and had his phone connected. That made me feel much better.
Tonight I was supposed to play bridge but I was much too drained from the day's events and stayed home. One good thing came of this, I was able to call Carey. When I called she couldn't talk and said she'd try to call back. When she did call back it was EvilGoovie who called. I was able to talk her into putting GoodGoovie back on the line. The way Carey's depression affects me is an interesting contrast to what is happening to my father. In her case I don't know that I can't do anything. I think I probably can't but it never feels that way. I know I can help ameliorate her condition but I can't make it go away. Leah calls me Human Prozac but I just provide temporary relief. On the bright side I might go down and visit Carey Saturday if my father is stable. I'll get to see Radiant Pig, a band that she says I'll love.
Another entry that isn't a lot of fun I'm afraid.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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Horvendile 2001-11-28
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