I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
2002-03-16 - 11:07 a.m.
Yesterday I was at total peace with the world. I was in a State of Grace, in Nirvana. A few bad dreams and not enough sleep ended that but it was wonderful. It doesn't happen often and I have no idea what triggers it but it happens to me sometimes. I wish I could share that feeling. I wish you could all feel like that.. Things that were driving me nuts stopped bothering me. I was seeing the silver linings not the clouds. It started out as normal day with my normal anxieties but sometime in the afternoon something changed. It was inperceptable at first. I think it started when I was online. I was talking to Carey reading diaries, doing my usual and slowly the angst drained from me. I left and picked up my father from dialyisis, then picked my mother up on the way back to the Rehab center. I was running a bit late and it didn't bother me. It hit full force on my train ride into the city. I wish I had a computer on me then, my mind was racing and I could have written a great entry. I was thinking of all the wonderful things in the world. I was thinking of my friends, of nature, of math, and of music. I was thinking of the Kennedys, Bach, Beethoven, and Tom Waits. I was thinking how hearing Life is Large and Jersey Girl always make me feel good. How in the midst of terrible violence there are signs of hope in Israel. How Jewish and Arab and parents joined together to mourn their lost children. I was thinking how there is always something good out there for you to think about to make yourself feel better.
I'm starting to get the feeling back now. I wish I could always have it. I was thinking about what to title this entry. I considered If I told you what it takes to reach the highest high you'd laugh and say nothings that simple. I found my title later in the evening. That's getting ahead of myself.
I thought about how I have to write a rebuttal to what someone else wrote in her diary. I guess now is the time to do it.
I could have just discussed this with the author but I think it needs a public refutation.
The author is Carey and this is what she wrote.
"He doesn't really love you. He's only with you cos he can't get anyone better right now. You know you can never live up to anybody else. You know he's gonna leave you as soon as he gets the chance."The last one is the hardest to refute. Because I really have no evidence to prove it wrong. And all the evidence to prove it right -- to prove that I'm ugly and unloveable and doomed to live alone and bitter as a crazy old cat lady.
Now that that's off my chest lets get back to my evening. I was on the train in the first place to see a show at the Mercury Lounge; Willie Nile , Rogue's March, and the All-Star Irish Rock Review.
I got there a little before doors but was still the first one on the line. I was shortly joined by others. It was a nice front of the line crowd, lots of good people. When we got in we took the few seats that are available. I knew it was going to be a long show and I figured it was better to sit even though it was off to the side. I had a really nice talk to the guy next to me. I wish I could remember his name, as usual I forgot it though. At the next table there was a freshly minted Canadian citizen. She now lives in Vancouver but her accent betrayed her Ireland as her native land. When I mentioned that I was a fan of many Canadian bands her friend gave me a Canadian Flag pin that they gave her when she became a citizen. She had been to the Himalayas and was planning a trip to the Rockies. I told her that the were, "Just Blue Ridge wannabees."
When Phyllis came in I got gave her a hello. Phyllis is someone that I usually see when I'm with Lisa. She does merch for just about every Celtic band, including Great Big Sea and Black 47, when they come to New York and is also a big Dan Bern fan. I was surprised I didn't see her at the Great Big Sea show. She told me that she saw them on Friday, I was there on Thursday. We did some catching up and I ended up talking to her more than usual. We talked about music and all the bands she was seeing this weekend. Out of the blue she then said, "I love my life." I knew that was the title of this entry. She was in a state of grace too last night.
Next up was Rogue's March. This was really their show. I had never seen them before but my friends were all big fans. The show was delayed because Joe Hurley, the leader of the band was nowhere to be found. The rest of the band was onstage and asking if anybody had seen him. Heather and decided that after that he really needed to make a spectacular entrance. He didn't of course. When he arrived he had to do what all performers need to do at the Merc, work his way through the crowd to the stage. The only way up there is through the crowd.
They were worth the wait Rogue's March really rocks. I didn't stop dancing and singing the whole show. Poor Heather and Phyllis had to put up with that. Joe had a box of Lucky Charms with him and threw cereal at the crowd. When he left the box by us, Heather and I pigged out. He also threw Guinness St Paddy's day t-shirt's out and both Heather and I got one.
The one thing I was worried about was making my train. The last one leaves at 1:21 and I didn't want to miss it. If I did I'd have to take a later train to Queens Village then wait for a bus. The show was running very late but I didn't want to leave early. I decided that I'd leave at 12:40 unless Annie Golden hadn't gone on yet.
After Rogue's March came the All Star Irish Review. Lots of the artists in it also are regulars at the Beat Goes on Shows at the Bottom Line and the Loser's Lounge shows.
Between Rogue's March and the review someone came up behind me and gave me a loud and hearty, "Hi Gordon!" I turned around and it was Annie. She is always so friendly to me. I was impressed that she recognized me in a very crowed room from behind. She has a great head for that sort of thing. Her ex duo partner Frank Carillo says that she knows the name of every person in the Netherlands.
Most of the people that I wanted to see came on pretty early in the set. Mary Lee Cortes lead it off and Annie went on with plenty of time for me to leave to make my train. Phyllis and Heather left and I figured I really had no reason to stay so I left at 12:40 like I planned. The only one that I really missed seeing was Susan McKeown. I've been a fan of hers for years but have never seen her live.
My mood was still so good that I wasn't upset by the guy who sat next to me on the subway. I'm not sure if he was drunk or emotionally disturbed. He sat down next to me and spread his legs wide which gave me very little room, I was squeezed. Then he started talking to me which I tried to ignore till he called someone a nigger. That I didn't want to hear any more of so I just got up and changed my seat. I didn't fume, I didn't plan on writing about him in Annoying People. I just let it go.
I had perfect timing getting home. I got to Penn Station 2 minutes before the train started boarding. I had an easy ride home and ended a perfect evening.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018
creative commons
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile 2002-03-16
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