I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
January 17, 2015 - 2:07 p.m.
I did something I so rarely do, I slept very late. I am up by 8:30 just about every day. today I awoke at 7:50 and decided to go back to sleep. I did what I always think feels like surfing on the crest of the wave of awakening till 11:00. That's a long time in the hypnopompic state. In some ways it is a waste of the morning. For instance it stopped me from writing. But it's a good state for creativity and mental well being.
I didn't sleep that well because the pain in my shoulder was pretty bad. I now thing it might be bursitis not arthritis. While there is pain all along the scapula and clavicle there is a super sensitive spot right at the shoulder socket.
But the important thing is I think you deserve an explanation for why I'm writing so late. My Gentle Readers come first.
I went over to Heather's yesterday and know the exciting thing we did? Her laundry. Give me a medal. Nah give me chocolate. I as rewarded with dinner and getting to watch not just one but two episodes of The Librarians.. The show is hitting it's groove. I just have to accept that is not so much an extension of the great The Librarian TV movies, it's now a show in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer mode. The Scooby Gang fights a menace each week. Like Buffy the first three seasons the balance of humor an serious is just about right. That's largely because like early Buffy it's a show about the fighting this week's enemy with their personal lives there as seasoning, not what Buffy became, a melodrama about their personal lives with a background of the supernatural. The first episode was pure Buffy. It was set at a high school science fair and dealt with teen issues. Cassandra could totally have been Willow. She even has the red hair. There was real nice going against stereotypes as Cassie is "Math Girl" and the top science student was a girl. Getting women into the sciences has been a crusade of mine for ages. I love the mix of my motivations. I'm always for social justice and the eradication of cultural barriers to individual achievement. But I also hated that there were so few girls in my college math and science classes. Male Carey dropped thermodynamics because Lauren, the only girl in the class dropped it.
Let's jump up a level and metablog for a bit. This is the kind of writing I enjoy the most. I'm flitting from idea to idea and making jokes. This is what goes on in my brain much of the time. This is the me that I like the most.
Now lets move on to the me that I like the least. When I announced my crisis here, Coming Clean my friends came through and helped me. One sent a check in the mail. I got the check and put it in my backpack. The next day when I went to get it out, I couldn't find it. I knew what probably happened. I had also put a bag of bagels in my backpack. When I took the bagels out the envelope with the check fell out. It was in all probability on my couch with all the other junk on my couch. And then I froze. I found looking for the check impossible. "What if it isn't there? What if I dropped it someplace else?" Yes it's ridiculous. I know that. Please don't tell me how stupid it is. I know that it's irrational but it isn't stupid. I have full understanding of what's going on. I just can't act the way I know I should.
This morning after, right after I woke up I got a call from the friend that sent me the check. I knew what it was about and the anxiety hit. Not surprisingly this is a good friend yet I found it hard to talk. But I did. And I told him what happened. That was difficult. He was incredibly understanding and found just the right words to get me to overcome the anxiety and look for the check. He put it the way that works for me. He put it as a favor to him. It was hard but I did it and I found it. I called him back and then deposited the check with my phone. That's the easiest way for me.
So know what else is difficult? Telling My Gentle Reader about this. I know there's no shame but I don’t feel that there's no shame. I force myself to tell you because I think it's important to fight the feeling of shame. I hope I can be an example to others. Do not be ashamed of mental issues. It is as silly as me being ashamed of not being able to eat corn. Damn I miss corn on the cob and popcorn. Sorry that's food. It's distracting.
Now I'm getting anxious that people will stop reading because they are tired of reading about my anxiety. But I have to write about what I know.
Well I could just consider this an idiot story. That always brings in the readers.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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