I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
December 31, 2014 - 11:36 a.m.
I have things to write about. I can be my usual analytical self and discuss how much I disagree with list of rules to live by that includes not being rational. I can write about that every day pretty much. But I'm not going to. As the year comes to a close I'm going to come clean and tell you why I'm so miserable.
I'm broke. I have run out of money. I don't have money for food let alone rent. This is why I've been going nuts. And I can't face it. I work at not thinking about it. I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because then I'm alone with my thoughts.
I'm this intelligent capable person. I often say "I can do stuff." But I can't manage my own life. School owes me a fortune but I don't know how to get it. I am afraid to try because if I fail then I can't tell myself that school owes me a fortune. That's how my anxiety works. That's the crusher. It's how I got into this mess. That sort of thing over and over again.
I'm afraid of telling people. I'm afraid of telling you now. I'm still not sure I'll have the nerve to publish this.
I will. Your Humble Diarist. will be honest with My Gentle Readers. And that's part of the problem. I'm not humble. I think a lot of myself. I think I'm special. But in life I'm a total failure and it's hard to face that. No I'm not a failure. I keep comparing myself to George Bailey and he learned that no one is a failure that has friends.
I'm going to keep blogging as long as I have a computer and access to internet. It's the one thing I do well.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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