I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me โ€” that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter โ€” except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

January 30, 2014 - 1:47 p.m.

The State of the Horvendile

I work very hard and making it look like I don't work at all writing Wise Madness. While it often grows in the telling I always do some preparation beforehand. If things find their own way I don't object but at least I want an idea of where I'm going. So today I have to go two maybe three ways at once. So let's see if I can make this work and remove all the scaffolding so you can't see it.

Yesterday was one of those days that I've been having too many of where I can't get started. I had plans to meet someone a half hour away at 5 PM and couldn't get my laundry done before then. That's pretty bad. In fact I had to race to make it on time even though I didn't do anything substantial before then.

We just went for coffee and I hadn't eaten since breakfast but I couldn't finish the great chocolate cake or drink my free coffee refill. You know what that mean, Crohn's attack, My third in a little over a week. That means going back on a course of prednisone not just a dose. I have to take it then taper off it.

I'm reading a new book I haven't told you about yet, The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. It's a fantasy novel, part 1 of a series, The King Killer Chronicle. It was recommended by Carolyn. I hardly ever take book recommendations. She sold it very well and she's a clear kindred spirit.

It's a book that develops slowly, I'm on page 89 and the story really hasn't started yet. It's just learning about the characters and the mythic world. It took 56 pages to just get to the start of the framing device, the hero, Kvothe telling his story to the Chronicler. He starts by telling the story from the beginning … the beginning of the world but then says, "'Let us hurry forward to the only tale of any real importance.' His smile broadened. 'Mine.'" That's just how I write! He won me over.

I finally started watching Ken Burns' The Civil War. I watched part 1. I know how I missed it, I was afraid of making the big commitment of time, but I should have. It's nothing but talking heads and narration over photographs and artwork but it is totally compelling. I always knew it was something I should watch. This is where Amazon Prime is useful. I don't have to buy anything or store anything and I can watch it when I want and stop and start it. I'll write more about it as I go along. For now I'll just say that America would be a better place if everyone saw it, especially everyone I public office.

I sent in my volunteer shifts for the next WFUV pledge drive. And no I didn't cut down. I am not going to get nearly enough sleep, and I value my sleep, but it's just too much a part of me. Sure the station has changed and I don't listen much during the week but it's still my station.

If you're planning on stalking me here are my hours.

Saturday 7 AM - 1 PM
Sunday 8 AM - 4 PM
Monday 6 AM - 2 PM
Wednesday 6 AM - 6 PM
Friday 6 AM – Noon
Now is the time of year the President does the State of the Union, the governor the State of the State, and the Mayor the State of the City. Here I'll give you the only "State of" that really matters, Mine!

The State of the Horvendile

I'm still homeless. People object when I say that as I'm not living on the street. But that means I'm not shelterless. I am homeless I have no home, A place that is mine.
It may be frail, its roof may shake; the wind may blow through it; the storm may enter; the rain may enter; but the King of England may not enter; all his force dares not cross the threshold of the ruined tenement.
That autonomy means a lot to me. And not having that makes my lack of an office at school that much harder to take. I'm sitting here typing this while other people scurry around the shared department office. I came in this morning to find that somebody piled boxes on my desk. I removed them and from the adjacent desk too. I no longer have an office and a bookshelf. I have to share this desk and computer but they are at least partly mine and I have drawn a line. I'm not giving up anything more. Every inch of the desk is mine to use when I'm sitting here. I have my little corner of the windowsill for my books. When they are taken it makes the person who takes them a thief. But I'm not going to lock them in my desk where I keep more personal things.

As I've said my health isn't great. So here's the thing, I am used to it not being great. I feel fine now and that's what matters. I feel fine most days. I can keep active. There isn't a lot that my Crohn's stops me from doing so it doesn't bother me much. I'm more concerned with my declining eyesight. I will try and get new glasses and see if I can keep the same prescription for more than a month.

As for my love life? Might as well ask about life on Mars.

My anxiety is still bad. I had an awful attack on Tuesday over an email.

I often say that I'm a cheerful hobbit. And I've been thinking about that. What does it mean? I'm a geek and I even think of purely emotional things through a mathematical or scientific lens. My state is a the sum of a million different things. When I say that I’m cheerful I mean that that sum does not have to be that high for me to be happy. The thing is that now the sum is so close to that critical number. I keep having to find things to boost it a bit. But the thing is that there is one big thing that ends up often being the deciding factor. When that looks good I ride high and can put all the negatives behind me. When it doesn't I really have to scramble to stay happy. I always do scramble.

I'm tired of having to do mind tricks to stay positive but when things are better they don't seem like mind tricks. I'm always aware of Sturgeon's Law, that 90% of everything is crap. And the thing is I'm often not satisfied with the 10% that isn't. I want the 1% or even the 0.1%. When they mine diamonds they go through tons of rubble to find one that one little pebble that shines with a light that though reflected looks like it comes from within. When I'm feeling bad I see the tons of rubble. When I'm feeling good I see the diamond. What I'm trying to do is to internalize that the diamond is there even in the dark when I can't see it.

I have no idea if any of this means anything to you or is but the rantings of a lunatic. Sorry but sometimes it isn't just the jokes that aren't meant for you.





Annoying People - September 03, 2016
This Play Was The Pits - September 02, 2016
Banking on Getting Better or Avoiding Katastrophe. - September 01, 2016
Unlike Gilligan I Got Off the Island - August 31, 2016
Call of the Wilder - August 30, 2016




creative commons
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License. Horvendile January 30, 2014
site search by freefind advanced


Follow on Feedly

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!