I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
January 22, 2014 - 10:04 p.m.
Captain's Log Supplemental: I'm going to write a rare second entry today. I'm home sick and can't get myself to do much of anything else. This I can start and stop and fall asleep of in the middle.
As I said earlier this Crohn's attack is exactly like I had most of my life. I don't have the pain or the big lump in my belly. I don't feel pressure. I just have very little appetite, I'm lethargic and have a fever. I don't have a fever thermometer so I don't know how high but I could always recognize when I have on. I'm also cold so I'm wearing two hoodies. I'd rather have a second blanket but I don't. I just ate something for the first time today, peanut butter on an Engish muffin and a hot chocolate. I love that combination and as it's all that I've eaten today I wanted something with lots of calories and protein. And it has to be easy to digest. I have to praise the Land o' Lakes Chocolate Supreme mix.
I found that the brands that seem the least promising are often the best. Stone Cold Creameries is fantastic but I can't find it now.
I finished eating maybe an hour ago and I feel fine. In fact my intestines are gurgling meaning food is going through it. Maybe this will pass tonight.
I went to school today so get my cell phone that I believe left on my desk. It wasn't there. My guess is that some custodian stole it. I'll check again tomorrow and if it hasn't been found I'll have to report it stolen and buy a new one. Then I have to get everybody's phone number and enter it. Oh this is great. if I had starred them in android I still have their numbers on google! Huzzah! I know I loved droid. I'll have to send an email out to the others and the few that are starred and missing and get their numbers.
Of course I make very few calls and receive even fewer. I use the phone more as a portable computer.
It was very cold today but that didn't bother me at all. I was happy that I had an excuse to wear my new winter boots. They are both insulated and waterproof. I also wore my new thermal socks. I had on my alpaca cardigan and my warmest hat. Oh and my silk long underwear I was positively toasty even though I forgot to bring a scarf. I love winning the battle against cold.
So this was supposed to be an entry about how miserable I am. The challenge was to cast it in an intellectual light instead of whining. But it isn't coming out that way. At the moment for the first time today I'm not miserable. I know I will be again soon so I'll still write about it. Let's face it my life is not going well. I'm sick, I lost my cell phone, I'm living in a rooming house with people I don't like, I have money issues, and I can't even tell you what's bothering me the most. I am Joe Btlsplk, the guy in Lil' Abner that always has a raincloud over his head.
I got upset that something didn't upset me earlier. It should have knocked me for a huge loop but it didn't. Why did it bother me that I wasn't upset? Because it was bad and I should have been upset. I should not be accepting it as just the way the world is. I don't want to deal with adversity by becoming numb. I see people like that and always feel sorry for them. I'd rather feel very bad now with the promise of joy later. I don't want to be OK with feeling disconnected from humanity. That is not my natural state no matter how frequently it happens.
I sometimes wonder if I feel things stronger than most people. It certainly seems that way but of course I'm the only person whose feeling I directly experience. Of course they look much stronger, I am much closer to them. But maybe they are. Maybe I just express them stronger. And it is most people, not everyone. I have lots of friends that experience things intensely, sometimes too much so. It's much easier to see that in other people.
I am cursed with self-awareness and one the things I'm aware of is how easy it is to fool yourself. I have no reason to think I'm an exception. In a conversation that only exists in my head I told a friend, "You know how there are things about me that you know that I don't? You're smart enough to realize it goes the other way too."
I think I'm going a good job with not whining. I always say that I'll save it for therapy but most of the time I don't, I get sidetracked.
This is long enough for a supplemental entry.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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