I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
July 02, 2013 - 11:27 a.m.
I've been emailing about apartments all morning and my anxiety level is going through the roof so I better get my blood pressure down by writing. Actually it probably isn't up. I know my pulse doesn't rise when I'm feeling anxious. That makes things worse. My body is ready for fight or flight but it isn't getting enough oxygen for that.
I looked at an apartment in Brooklyn yesterday. I thought it was Williamsburg but it wasn't. It's the Flushing Ave stop on the J and M. I got off the train and heard profanity being shouted all around me and saw a guy pissing on a house. Not a good start. The room was a loft that was nice but I didn't get a cell signal. there are no outside windows, just a skylight. I'm not taking it. I didn't think I'd see a place I wouldn't take.
I of course drowned my sorrows in gelato. I asked the woman at Espresso at Madison and 42nds if she could put a small serving in a cup and fill the rest with iced coffee. She said yes and charged me the same as for the ice cream alone. That was good.
You have probably picked up that I'm not very happy now. My therapist said I could call her if I need a second session this week. I might take her up on it.
I am a lot like my fantasy baseball team, the Nashional Batnoses. We are currently in second place a point out of first. Why am I like the team? We are both are ridiculously talented in some areas; the Batnoses are way out in front in Batting Average and Wins but deficient others, RBIs and HRs. There are so many simple things I can't do and so many difficult things I can.
Notice I said I was ridiculously talented, I am always nonplussed when people say I have self esteem issues. Assessing myself is one of the things I do well. That includes knowing my weaknesses and perhaps I talk about them more than my strengths. But if you think about it writing a blog, a rather lengthy blog, every day, says that I think other people will care about my doings and thoughts. That takes some ego.
I told my therapist that my accomplishment for the week was not curling in a ball immobile. She thinks it is an improvement that I'm going through apartment ads by myself. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's just desperation,. I'm not sure if it makes a difference.
Right now I'm not happy that I can't think of anything external to write about Things keep coming to me but then I forget them when I sit down to write. I'd like to talk about politics or philosophy. I want to get out of myself.
I'm going to keep it short again. I seem to have added a new feature. ending each edition of Wise Madness with something that I use to make myself happy. Here are two totally different renditions of a song that I find myself singing. It's an odd choice for a rationalist atheist of Jewish ethnicity. It's a romantic British patriotic hymn distrustful of technology.
First the version that Carey will hate.
The other Carey will love,.
OK it's pretty hard for anyone to do anything but laugh watching the second.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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