I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

January 21, 2014 - 1:27 p.m.

The Light Withing Me Acknowledges the Light Within You

I have less than two hours to write this. Yes that's actually a lot of time but I find ways to waste it.

Today is the first day of school. I do not have the text book for the class I had this morning. I had no idea what I was supposed to teach so I just did the fractions revue I always start with. The class is in my least favorite room in the school. There's a tiny blackboard off to one side. They deliberately got no input from faculty when they redesigned the rooms. We might have wanted things and they just wanted to make it easy on the administration.

Yesterday I did something I never do. I didn't have a therapy meal after therapy. My only time outside the house was therapy, a stop at Gunz imports for chocolate and bacon flavored chips, Pathmark for actual bacon and a few other things, and then home. My therapy food was the things I bought at Gunz and what I made for dinner. I tried something new with my soup, instead of using potato or plantain I tried Yellow Name. I'm glad I searched the internet about cooking it before I did. The juice of the raw root makes your skin itch so you have to handle it with a paper towel. I'd rather have had rubber gloves. I followed online directions and peeled it then cubed it like a potato. I am trying to get some variety in my diet with the soup as it's highly spiced so the taste of everything is covered. I didn't add a green vegetable this time as I couldn't find cilantro and didn't want to experiment with two variables. I am highly skeptical of food claims but variety has to be a good thing. I would not be a vegetarian or a vegan even if I liked the food but I should try to be less of a meatan. I am trying to get up the nerve to try using a vegetable broth instead of chicken. Yes it requires nerve. I have a very strong reaction to foods I don't like. I get nauseated. That has created an aversion to trying new things.

So what's the verdict? It was good. Very similar to potato. I think I'm going to try all the Caribbean tubers they have at the stores near me. What other starches are there? The one thing I don't like is sweet potatoes. What veggies might be good? Im getting a bit braver with Crohn's as it hasn't been bothering me much and I dice what I put in very fine. I want to minimize flavor and maximize nutrition. Maybe I'll try mushrooms. Did you know they are more closely related to animals than plants? They are definitely not vegetables biologically though they are from a culinary point of view. It isn't a matter of right or wrong. And tomatoes are a culinary vegetable too, not a fruit.

Staying home was the challenge. When Im home without things to distract me I can fall into heavy anxiety or unhappiness. I'm a better than I was but not at my best. So right now tearing myself from the internet to watch TV is an accomplishment even though I do that on the internet. I watched the first regular episode of Dirk Gently. It wasn't as good as the pilot but still tons of fun. It gets the tone just right even though I was perturbed by the anti-Americanism. It depicts the US as trying to be evil.

OK now for one of the ideas I've been incubating. As usual I waited to write about it till I found the right way.

There's a scene in The Fellowship of the Ring (I always mean the book not the movies when referring to Tolkien) at Weathertop where Frodo puts on the Ring and the black riders attack. When he does the other hobbits and Aragorn fade to grey shadows but Glorfindal shines with an inner light. He's a high elf who has seen the light of the two trees and has power in both worlds, the physical and magical. That is often how I experience people, most are indistinct grey shadows but some shine by their own light. It's very clear with musicians. So many make absolutely no impression on me, good or bad, but a few are so original or possess such virtuosity that I can't help but become enthusiastic. There are musicians and bands that are quite good but don't shine. I'll always prefer a less skilled musician that does.

I often talk music with musicians and one thing I have noticed is that though their tastes are closer to mine than the general public there's a major difference in emphasis. Many musicians will be mesmerized by skills and technical competence for their own sake. They will love how someone used some chord progression or balanced elements. I on the other hand only care about the effect. I don't care that it was difficult to do, if it doesn't move me it doesn't shine. To me it's all about the effect, to musicians it's often the cause.

People also radiate on a personal, not artistic level. Great people might not have the inner light, just as Aragorn didn't. The people I care the most about shine with their own light. I get wary of anything that ranks people and I suspect that it's partly a matter of being able to see the wavelength someone radiates. And not all parts of us are transparent to all frequencies. Some people can shine right into my heart. And here's the thing. Some people can see my glow. And there are some hearts that mine light can reach. It isn't sufficient but I could not romantically love anyone for whom that isn't true. Does any of this resonate with you? Do you know what I'm talking about? That's the thing, this is purely subjective. This is how things feel, not how they are. You might have your own way of thinking of it. You might not think along these lines at all. But that's exactly the kinds of things I should be writing about.

A short coda. I often think of this song. Pete Kennedy has called in the greatest song ever written. I was thinking about it last night.

I have never gotten the hang of the last phrase.






Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile January 21, 2014
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