I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
May 21, 2012 - 4:56 p.m.
I almost forgot about writing again but I couldn't do that to My Gentle Readers.
I'm finished with school. Today I entered my grades. I don't know how it happened but a majority of the class passed. I know part of the reason, I count attendance as a grade. The median grade on the final was a 63, which is good for that class. They actually studied some and I made it very easy.
I'm starting to emerge from the rabbit hole. My mental and emotional state are far better than last week. That is largely because I found out that I had avoided a disaster that I thought I backed myself into. It is also because I have amazing friends that are giving me exactly what I needed. I accomplished something today that I have not been able to do. My anxiety was there but I overcame it.
The transformation in started on Wednesday. I started to feel like myself. I became the person I think of myself as; someone that appreciates life and the good things in it. I'm not someone that feels hopeless. Bad things might happen but I don't give up. I don't sit there and say "Woe is me." Yet that is what I was doing. I could write about how I usually see the world but it is sitting right there on top of this page. It's the third quote. I'll repeat it here.
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me –that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter – except to show how very dull we are,...That's from James Branch Cabell's, The Cream of the Jest. It was said by Felix Kennaston. You might know the name of his alter-ego, Horvendile. This is very much a part of me.
Therapy went better today. It might just be because I was feeling so well. I was gushing. I've been gushing. My pent up demand for happiness is coming out all over the place.
After therapy I stopped at a restaurant that I wanted to try, Sausage Inc.. I had the blanco. It wasn't good, it was fanatastic! It had a perfect taste, consistency, and size. And that wasn't even the best part. The best part was the service. I got to be entertained by the lovely young woman behind the counter. We had a passionate discussion about food. Food is one of the exquisite wonders. My plan is to go back there every week after therapy. I'm not sure if the therapy or that therapist will help but I know with certainty that the sausages and conversation will.
I'm almost at the point where I can tell you most of the tale of the rabbit hole. I'm not quite there but I'm close. I have to figure out exactly how much to tell.
Here I am all upbeat yet what am I going to talk about next? The title LORi gave me, "Vortex of Ill Fortune." She's right too. I have my own travails but so do my friends. I can't really write about them but I'll give you a short list of disasters, an exploding transformer leading to a blackout, losing jobs (that's a repeated story), being beaten up by Amelia Nields, well a kid, suicide (not of a friend but a friend's friend), and brain tumors leading to delusions and obsessions. Yes that's multiple tumors but only one friend.
Somehow all this goes on and I'm feeling better? Does that make me a terrible person? No it doesn't. If you think it does I'm sure some friend of mine will be willing to beat you up.
Now I'm going to celebrate. Maybe even go to a movie. Certainly eat something fun for dinner.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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