I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

January 03, 2015 - 12:53 p.m.

Contradiction

It's noon,. How did I just start writing? I should be finishing. Actually I should have finished an hour or two ago. Not good.

But I'm doing much better. I'm not panicking nearly as much. I just might get through this. I know that I have a lot of people rooting for me. I'm not alone. When Katrina or I have self-doubt the other one gives affirmation. We often both give affirmation. Last night I got some affirmation from someplace else and had her amplify it. It was subtle. It was a baby step. But it was the first step in the right direction in a long time. If I told you what it was you'd say, "huh?" But I know it's important.

I probably shouldn't be so cryptic.

Yesterday was social day. I got a very late start. Just like today. I hadn't eaten breakfast an it was 1 PM And this was on a day I wanted to get an early start as I had to go shopping for eggs. It was so late that I decide to forego going to Trader Joe's and just go to C-Town. I got there and looked at the eggs and saw that it was $3.49 for a dozen large eggs. I couldn't do it. At Trader Joe's it's $2.69 for a dozen jumbos. So I resigned myself to eating late and went to Trader Joe's. I went without my shopping bags. I went without my backpack that I always have with me. I was prepared to just go a block from home. But It wasn't going to go back. I had no time. Then I had to wait on a long line at the token booth. All the machines would not take cash and I didn't have the money in my checking account. But I got my weekly and headed off. I also didn't have my phone. I was expecting a call from LORi.

I got to Trader Joe's and it was busy. I only wanted a few things, eggs, milk, English muffins, and peanut butter, and potatoes. I usually keep track of this stuff with an app on my phone. I didn't have that. So of course I forgot something, the potatoes.

I got home and had a real breakfast, bacon and eggs a buttered English muffin. I had run out of butter but I realized that my thieving housemate who was thrown out had left his Irish Gold butter in the fridge. I used that.

You know I've been on reduced rations as I was not able to buy food for a while. I seem to have lost weight; my pants are very loose. See every cloud has it's silver lining. I'm still not buying any sweets. That makes a big difference. I miss chocolate. I have one chocolate croissant in the freezer.

The second I walked in my door my phone rang. It was Hugh. I told him to call back in 35 minutes as I had to eat. It was 2:40. I had a real breakfast, bacon and eggs a buttered English muffin. I had run out of butter but I realized that my thieving housemate who was thrown out had left his Irish Gold butter in the fridge. I used that. I did cut back in that I only had two pieces of bacon and one cup of coffee. Usually It's three and two.

Just as I finished my coffee Hugh called back. I love that I could estimate how long it would take to eat that close. Hugh and I had a good talk. Just as he was saying goodbye I had another call. I said bye to Hugh and talked to Heather. I talked to Heather for a while but told her that I'd see her later because I had to call LORi. Remember that she was supposed to call? She did and I missed it. So I got off the phone with Heather and immediately called LORi and talked to her for quite some time. We had a lot of catching up. We talked practical stuff about my financial problems and when the anxiety got to bad from that we talked our usual nonsense. LORi dashed my career hopes, something I can't quite share. But I posted that on Facebook an LORi, Carey, and Katrina had a lot of fun mocking me. Yes these are my friends.

Then I headed over to Heather's and just talked and ate. Hasselback potatoes again! I might make another tonight. I got to meet her new roommate Ellen. Are you impressed I remembered her name? I am. Then I headed home. It was a social day. That was after a day with two parties.

If I were a fictional character people would call me unbelievable. I'm a walking mass of contradictions. I'm a capable person that can't manage his own life. If a friend had my problems I'd be in there helping her take care of it and doing a good job of it. For myself I'm lost and paralyzed. I so often feel that I don't fit in socially. But I get in trouble and people come out of the woodwork to help me And I know everyone isn't that lucky. So many have to face things alone. If I was watching a movie of my life I'd be saying, "this is ridiculous. The reality changes just to advance the plot. Things don't follow logically from what happened before.

OK now I need to eat. I'm not at all out of the woods but at least I'm on my feet and walking.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile January 03, 2015
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