I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
2002-04-06 - 2:04 a.m.
Last night after writing my father's eulogy I did something I never did before. I took a sleeping pill when I wasn't in the hospital. I have not slept more than 5 hours a night in a few weeks and I wanted to make sure I got some rest, I knew I had a long day ahead of me. It really worked. I took the pill with my other meds and went to bed. I don't' remember anything after that. I must have fallen asleep immediately. I ended up getting over 7 hours of sleep.
In the morning I went online and read some more wonderful and supportive mail. Then I called Carey and tried out the eulogy on her. My sisters both read theirs to the family but I felt more comfortable saving mine for the actual service. Carey gave it the OK, which made me feel good about it. I did rehearse it more because I have trouble reading aloud especially poetry. I tend to read the words but not express their meaning in my inflections. Ode to a Nightingale is a favorite of mine and I didn't want to mangle it.
After that I went down to talk to the rest of my family. When I first said that I was going to go and get a bagel for lunch everyone thought I shouldn't. Then one by one they all realized that they wanted one too. We really had plenty of time and none of us seem to lose our appetites under stress. I know I tend to get hungrier.
After lunch I picked my nephew up at the train station. He came down from Boston; he goes to Tufts. He took the Acela express to Penn Station then the LIRR out to Bayside. The station is a bit confusing and so I explained where we'd meet. Alison got out of the car to make it easier and he found us with no trouble.
Then I had to find a suit to wear. I have suits in many different sizes, reflecting my weight change from 240 lbs down to 160, back up to 195 and now down to 165. I tried them all on and chose the one that fit best.
We had to get to the funeral home early to talk to the Rabbi. We don't have one so we asked the funeral parlor to provide one. He ended up being the Rabbi at the Oakland Jewish Center, where my brother-in-law, Mike and myself had our Bar Mitzvahs.
We had asked for a reform rabbi and we figured he wasn't, the OJC is a conservative congregation and the previous rabbi, the one that we knew was orthodox. When we asked the rabbi about it he said that he was very reformed, that he was basically an Episcopalian. This put us all in a good frame of mind. He was a funny guy and we all liked him. We told him about my father and that Alison, Sue, myself, and maybe Max wanted to speak.
Then we mingled with the guests. I have never been to a funeral where I had friends present. They helped so much. Alan and his parents, Farley, Aubrey and his wife Diana (DEE-anna), Bad Carey, Larry and his wife Diana (Dye-anna), and Lisa were there. They were a nice cross section of my friends. I've known Aubrey since I was 14. Carey and Farley are math friends from college; they were actually teachers, though not mine. Larry and Diana are bridge friends, Chuckleheads. They are actually really good though, not like me. Alan is the friend I go to sporting events with. Lisa is a Frühead. Between them I shared almost all my passions.
The service started promptly at 3. The rabbi acted as master of ceremonies and ran a nice, short service. He said a few words about my father then introduced Alison. Then Sue went up and then myself. We all talked about our father but from different points of view. I think they complimented each other very well. My nephew then read what he wrote in a book Alison prepared for my father's 86th birthday a few weeks ago.
After the service the rabbi presented me with an American Flag from the government. A flag and 3 free copies of the death certificate is how we thank a veteran who risked his life for his country. It seems a bit inadequate.
We didn't stay too much longer after that. We said our goodbyes to those who weren't coming back to the house. Larry and Diana live in Jersey and they headed home. Diana apologized for not being good in these situations. She was actually great. I loved it when she told me that my mother made her laugh. I told her that I have a funny family. She made me feel relaxed. I think that was all tend to underestimate our abilities when it comes to things like this. In case you are wondering, you have all been wonderful. Highest marks to all of you.
Everyone was invited back to our house afterwards for what would be a shiva call if we were religious and the wake if we were Catholic. Alan was really helpful and picked up the food for us and brought it back to the house. Have I mentioned that Alan is the nicest person in the world?
I usually hate social gatherings but this one went very well. It helped so much having my friends around. I got to actually spend some quality time with Aubrey.
The place was crowded but I'm glad everyone was there. We talked about everything. As always happens everyone caught up with everyone else's lives. There were people there I don't see very often. I hadn't seen my parent's friend's son Gene in at least 30 years. People got to meet each other. My friends and family all got along well.
When everyone left it finally hit me how tired I was. I went to my room for a bit to relax, check my email, and return phone calls. My fantasy league baseball league has their draft tomorrow. I had to find someone to draft for me. Jim the league commissioner got someone to do it. I'm glad. I love the league and didn't want to miss a year.
I then called Carey to help me decompress from the day. After spending a bit more time my family I headed off to watch TV, go online, update and get to sleep. The process of adjusting is taking place.
In Alison's talk she mentioned my father's whistle that he'd use to call us and our dog. It was the whistle that our grandfather had used to call his children. When she mentioned it Sue and I did the whistle on cue. I loved that part. I thought it showed how our father affected us.
Long before this I asked Carey to give my eulogy when the time comes. Don't get nervous, I don't expect this to come in any time in the immediate future. She said that she'd play the kazoo. I love that too. It captures some things that define me. It is one last thumbing my nose at the powers-that-be. Grandfather Death might win in the end, he comes to all things, men, beasts, and civilizations, but even he is powerless to keep his dignity when he's up against a kazoo.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile 2002-04-06
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