I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
April 30, 2013 - 12:46 p.m.
I feel like taking a nap but I'll write first. I was all inspired last night and earlier today and now I'm just sleepy. I will see if I can revitalize myself without coffee.
I was reminded earlier that today's the 13th anniversary of an important event in my l life, the Moxy Fruvous Allentown concert. It is one of my 4 canonical stories. Don't ask me what the other three are. Leah says I have only four stories and I never asked her to name them. So here's the story. Carey and I didn't know each other at the start of 2000 but by this time this year we had become very close. We had met once, when she her choir flew to Ireland for Newark Airport and I met her and Megan there for lunch. God knows what the nuns thought of it. God would know because nuns talk to God a lot. But that was just a short lunch and a bit awkward and weird. We were supposed to really meet at the Allentown show. Then Carey's ride bailed. So I did what any self-respecting crazy person would do. I offered to drive down to Baltimore, pick her up, and drive to Allentown. She did what any self-respecting crazy person would do and accepted my offer. So I drove down there in time to catch her choir's concert. Met her right afterward, deftly avoided her parents seeing us, and drove to Allentown.
I had therapy yesterday. The session where the therapist was actually in the room with me was my fourth session of the day. I usually go through it in my head first. Each time I worked on something different. One of the things I got out of it was realizing how resilient I am. My psyche is made of rubber. Sure I can get depressed and have anxiety attacks but get over them. My default state is pretty happy even though my life sucks. The problems don't go away but they don't constantly weigh on me.
The third session, was the best of all. It consisted of listening to Pesky J. Nixon's album Red Ducks closely on my phone on the way to therapy. Matzoh is the bread of our affliction and Red Ducks is the album of my affliction. It's been the album I've listened to the most during my homeless travail. I don't even have a physical copy of the album. That was left at the apartment I had last summer. I just have the pre-release, not quite final mix on my computer. But the music stored on those electrons has been a boon to me. It's kept my spirits up. One day early on I was walking and just couldn't motivate myself to take another step. Then Wagon Wheel came on and got my legs moving as I sang along.
Yesterday I wasn't feeling bad and the music was cathartic. I sang along and tears were in my eyes. I wonder what the other passengers on the train thought. I'm not sure anyone could see the tears and I was singing to myself. I tried to not make any sounds that others could hear.
I love them all and these aren't necessarily my favorite songs on the album but there are three that I find particularly comforting, better therapy than any I've gotten from my shrink;
I can't find a video of Pesky J. doing "Last Call" so here it is by the songwriter, Anthony da Costa joined by Carolann Solebello.
I have to thank Ethan, Jake, Dan, Eric, and Kara from Pesky J. Nixon who sang and played them and Tom Waits, Tim Gearan, and Anthony for writing the songs. The songs work the only kind of magic that actually works. They change the way we think and feel. That's as wonderful and magical as anything any fictional wizard can do because when we change the way we think and feel the entire universe changes. Gandalf couldn't do that. This started as a my plan for an email to Tim, who I have never met but I was thrilled when he asked to be my Facebook friend. But if I was to write Tim I had to write Anthony too. Anthony is a friend. Someone I see often. I've known him since he's 16. Someone I pretty much feel compelled to heckle when I see him perform. But that doesn't make his music any less powerful and he should know that. As for Tom, well I think he pretty much knows he's great and he doesn't need another piece of fan mail. But this isn't fan mail and that's why I'm writing it here and tagging Anthony and Tim. To me at least it's important and something that everyone should know. These songs are the Sigil of Scoteia with the power to awaken us at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness.
I didn't quite have time to get to that in the actual therapy session. I might have to just print this out and give it to my therapist next week.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
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