I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

October 15, 2014 - 11:57 a.m.

Microwave Echoes

Today's a tough entry for me to write. And It's tough for me to tell you why It's tough to write. I've been thinking about this for 15 hours and haven't come to a decision.

Yesterday was the second Tuesday of the month so I was at John Platt's On Your Radar. This month's guests were The Big Bright, Craig Bickhardt, Buddy Mondlock, and Don Henry. OK so here's the issue. I had an existential angst attack for most o the show so in a sense I wasn't there, especially the first half the song swap with Craig, Buddy, and Don. The fact that I don't know any of them and that they are subtle songwriters not attention grabbing performers meant that my attention wasn't grabbed. So I will be honest. Someone told me they were great and I'll go with that. Sorry I can't give more. The Big Bright is two thirds of Ollebelle with one other person and they had the same effect on me as Ollebelle, lack of excitement. In this project they took 80s songs and turned them into lullabies. For the most parr they were songs I avoided in the 80s. the only two I knew were Walk Like an Egyptian by the Bangles and a Blondie song I'm totally blanking on. Now I love those two bands but if I never hear INXS again I'd be fine with it. And the fact that they were all lullabies made for very little dynamic or rhythmic variety.

If I were feeling better perhaps it would have struck me differently. At least I sat and talked with people I like, Dan and Phyllis shared my table, Bob and Rona were right behind us, and Richard came over for a visit. I always sit next to John Platt.

What was nice was that after the show on the way to the bathroom I ran into Jess! Yes I remembered her name! I always blank on it. I have to associate her with my old friend Jess, my partner in Richard Thompson and Crooked Still love. I met new Jess at the WfUV pledge drive and suggested she come to the show. She did! It's nice when somebody listens to you. She's a musician too. I can always find the musicians. I'm a musical magnet. She was going to Brooklyn too so I had someone to ride the subway with.

I didnt go straight home but stopped at Trader Joe's.. I knew timing was going to be tight. That's why I planned on not schmoozing. Then the angst made me not want to schmooze anyway. Jess was to-go schmooze. Trader Joe's closes at ten and I left Rockwood around 9:25 but I made it. My milk had curdled so I needed more and it's cheaper at Trader Joe's

So as I've made this a personal entry not a musical one I'll go into my inner world more. I not only had angst but I had meta-angst. I had hoped this was behind me. I was down in the dumps for a month, that's enough. Is this going to happen every time I experience the trigger? I'm going to have a busy therapy session next week.

there I also had meta-blogging angst. I'd really like to be able to write about what's bothering me but I can't. There's also meta-meta-blogging angst. There are lots of levels. And not being able to have fun with that I can tell you about. I love things with multiple levels, even my pain. There's just so much to explore.

When I got home I called Katrina because talking to her helps. And I helped her with her angst. And helping her with her angst helped my angst. That usually works that way.

I'm still feeling angst but even last night it was nothing like it was during my depths and that's what I have to remember. It's like the tide. The waves go in and out but the tide has a direction and this one is ebbing.

One thing I'll work on is to not feel guilty about feeling bad. It isn't a character flaw. I know that I'm actually resilient and that's not a virtue. It's good fortune If I am more sensitive to something than most people that's not a sin, it's misfortune.

So now I'll do what I always do, use food therapy. I'll make an omelet. OK. I will go super whole hog and have something I've never had, a bacon and peanut butter omelet. That should be able to cheer me up from anything.

Damn, I forgot the political thing I've been meaning to write about. I will write it down if I think about it before tomorrow. Till then farewell wherever you may fare till your eyries receive you at your journey's end. Eagles know how to say goodbye.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Wise Madness is Now In Session - May 28, 2018
The NFL and the First Amendment - May 27, 2018
On The Road Again - May 26, 2018
Oliver the Three-Eyed Crow - May 25, 2018

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Horvendile October 15, 2014
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