I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
December 27, 2017 - 10:40 a.m.
The centerpiece of today's entry is the harrowing tale of a treasure hunt straight out of an Indiana Jones movie. How's that for a lede; I'm finally getting the hang of this blogging thing. It's taken only 17 years.
Yesterday was a day of disappointments. I did not get out and go food shopping or even stop by my post office box. I might have Festivus presents waiting for me. I didn't edit my photos from Jewmongous. I did manage to post two videos. I'm awaiting approval from Sean and Cindy before I make them public. I still have a long way to go in my CD ripping. I didn't make the nice dinner I was planning. That wasn't my fault, that was due to circumstances beyond my control.
Perhaps these disappointments led to my anxiety/depression attack that seemed to hit out of the blue. I was about to do my laundry when it hit. My dilemma was do I meditate or do I do my laundry and get my mind off it that way. I have not been meditating enough so I chose the latter. It worked, my heartrate came down and my breathing slowed. I became so relaxed it segued into a nap. The one time I regularly meditate is when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. It's how I put by day behind me and stop my mind from racing. I usually sleep on my side, so I meditate laying down on my side. There's one wonderful moment where my body slumps down, my muscles are then fully relaxed. That is not how I mediated last night. I was sitting up on my couch then. I don't do the crossed legged pose. I am not comfortable that way and that's not good for achieving inner peace. Discomfort is sometimes a motivation for meditating but it's an obstacle to overcome, not part of the process.
When I was over the anxiety and depression I did my laundry. After it was in the washing machine I went to help Bernie find the aluminum foil. I knew we weren't out and I knew where it was the last time I used it. I wasn't there. I started searching the closet where we keep it. We also keep the garbage in there. I thought it might have fallen into one of the trash baskets; there are three; metal and plastic, paper, and trash. While I was leaning over to look something fell on top of my head and knocked my glasses off. The closet has a lot in common with Fibber McGee's. I think it was a ginger root that fell on me. At least that's what I found on the floor. What I didn't find was my glasses. I looked at all three trash baskets and saw nothing. The problem is that I'm blind without my glasses so seeing nothing is to be expected. Jane came over to help me look. She could see nothing. I put on my old, inadequate glasses. I searched all over the floor. I looked under the couch. I very much suspected it was in the trash. Jane described the trash as "goopy;" Goop, why did it have to be goop? I tried the less unpleasant paper basket first. I emptied it, it wasn't there. I tried the plastic and glass basket. I emptied it and it wasn't there. I attacked the goopy garbage. I wish I had rubber gloves, but I didn't. I used a plastic bag from the bag o' bags. I took another kitchen bag and emptied garbage from the one in the basket to the other. I got down to what looked like mud at the bottom. I hadn't found it. I felt the bag. I didn't feel it. I decided I needed more light. I couldn't find my flashlight. Jane couldn't find a flashlight that worked. Finally, Bernie found one. I looked at the goop again. I saw part of one arm, of my glasses, not a person, sticking out. I found them. They had as I feared fallen all the way to the bottom. I went over the sink and cleaned off the goop. Good thing that the best way to clean your glasses is with dish soap.
As I was looking I felt the anxiety rising, I was so afraid someone would stop on them and break my glasses. My heart rate and breathing sped up. I got irritated at the cats. They were mocking me as I looked. I told them to help me look or go away. I did keep the anxiety under control. There was no panic attack. I was fully functional. That's par for the course. I can handle these sorts of things well. When I was finished I went back to my room and had a chocolate truffle. I didn't get to cook dinner until after 11, that's why I settled for hot dogs. As an aperitif I had a hot chocolate with a chocolate truffle in it. I'm good at self-medicating.
When I was done with all that I remembered something else I hadn't done, talked to Bri. I'll see if I we can talk tonight. I don't have a lot on my music calendar, just Dar tomorrow. I want to see friends in person. There are four that I have plans to make plans with. I should act on them. That means overcoming anxiety. I wrote an email late last night to one of them. I haven't had the nerve to read my email yet this morning. I'm gregarious and extroverted but I have loads of social anxiety; as in so many other things it just affects me differently than most people.
Today it's freezing but I'm going to go out. If nothing else I should pick up a prescription. I'll also go to the post office. As for the rest, I'm leaving things open. Maybe when I read my email I'll find I have plans with a friend. Give me a whip and a hat and I'm Indiana Jones.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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Horvendile December 27, 2017
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