I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
January 11, 2018 - 11:59 a.m.
Last night I found something I wanted to write about; I wish I had written it down. I have no idea what it is now. I didn't go out yesterday, I put off the shopping until today. Sadly, I decided that I'm going to miss The Kennedys tonight. I will see them next month. I must fight my perceived need to justify missing the show; I know it's irrational.
The most exciting thing that happened yesterday was that Jane made chocolate chip cookies. I was very good; first I didn't grab one right out of the oven and then I didn't eat them all. I'm too embarrassed to admit to you that ate six of them. I had a need for a glass of milk when I was done. Amazingly I preferred it to hot chocolate. I didn't think it possible that I'd think I had too much rich food.
My blogging issue of late is that I spend a lot of time thinking about politics and how other people think. Writing about these things become telling My Gentle Readers, "You are wrong! Straighten up and fly right." I don't feel comfortable with that unless I am certain that I'm right and have a compelling argument.
I remembered one of the things I wanted to write about, not the best thing, but one that I am confident I know more about that you do, me. That's a broad topic, I will narrow it down to how the internet has affected my self-image.
For some people high school was their glory days and for others an assault on their ego. For me it was the latter. I know I'm not the only one, it's the focus of so many films and TV shows. I adore Heathers and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, two dramas that portrayed high school drama with a body count. I liked myself, I have always liked myself, but that made it worse that I wasn't liked by other. Things got better in college and after that I had my ups and downs. The internet came along when I was down. My high school self-image of being unpopular was stretching its wings again. Then I went online. It took a few years, but I found forums where people liked me even though I'm the kind of person that wonders if that should be fora. Spell check doesn't like it, but spell check doesn't know Latin. I just checked, the proper Latin plural is fora, in English its forums. I'm going to try out fora even though Words autocorrects it.
That analysis of the plural of forum is where cyberspace made a difference. When I say something like that on Facebook people will chime in. I'm not the only person who thinks about these things. They like that I say things like that.
What brought this topic to mind was people laughing at my online jokes. Should I have said loling? As I don't hear them laugh? I have always wanted to be funny. I have always thought I was funny. In school I was both the class Poindexter and the class clown. People would laugh but not enough to overcome my feeling that they didn't like me. In cyber fora people I didn't know would laugh. There was no question of them liking or not liking me. I gained more confidence that being funny wasn't all in my head. Not only that but it was a factor in getting people to like me. On the internet nobody can tell you're a dog. That's a world made for me.
Decades ago, I might have still been a teen, a high school friend of my sister did a study that shows that physically attractive people were better liked than unattractive people even by people that couldn't see them. His hypothesis was they gained more polished social skills from having more social interactions as attractive people attract people. I gained social skills and more importantly social confidence. I found I could be the class clown and concerts and make the room laugh. That's not conscious on my part, it's not about trying to think of something funny to say. It's about not fighting to suppress it. Sometimes I do fight and sometimes I lose. I have a filter but there are holes in it.
I am never going to take a break from the internet, it's my comfort zone. It doesn't mean I need it. I have no problem going offline when I am at Falcon Ridge. When I'm in the meat zone I pay attention to the meat not my screen.
Carey and I heard Neil do that live and weren't sure if it were "meat" or "meet," both make sense. I'm glad it's meat, it's funnier. If it weren't for the internet I would have never met Carey and never seen Neil and never know about the meat zone. It all comes together.
I will never join the chorus decrying the internet, a chorus you hear on the internet. It causes many problems but the fault dear readers, lies not with web but with ourselves, that we are gullible. I'll just tell you to check your sources, not say things out of anger, to consider the consequences of your words; to straighten up and fly right.
Now to eat, go shopping, and deal with anxiety. There will be some meditation too.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
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