I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
May 18, 2018 - 10:58 a.m.
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. There was nothing specific; I was just having a bad day. I'm not reacting to stress with creativity; good thing I'm going to therapy and then my psychiatrist today. After that I'm seeing Lipbone Redding at Spiral Sounds Concerts; that's good for my psyche too. Once upon a time Lipbone played at my house.
Despite what I said before I spent many hours yesterday on a creative technical project; make a slideshow with music for First Acoustics's Tenth anniversary. I love that there's technology that allows me to create art. I was also the photographer for most of the pictures, Fred took the rest. You'll know his, they are the good ones. If you go to first acoustics tomorrow you can see the video.
I made that graphic too. Imagine what I could do if I had real software. All I use, Google Photos, Microsoft Photos, and a website called BeFunky. Come to the concert; it's for a good cause, raising money for Casa Pueblo, who as you can figure out is helping to rebuild Puerto Rico's electricity. It's criminal that much of the Island is still without.
I just found out that I have some tweaking to do on the video. I'll have to bring my computer with me as I'll be out all day. I might have to finish it tomorrow. Nothing like waiting for the last minute. After all this therapy I still do that. Starting work on this video was one of those ridiculous things that caused me anxiety. It is very much like getting into a cold swimming pool. I kept getting close, putting my toe in and getting scared off. Once I jump in I'm fine. I'm more than fine, I love it. There are no problems, only challenges. I accept the things I cannot change. But that first step is closer to diving off a 10-meter board than jumping in from the side of the pool. My hope was that the meds would take care of that. I still want my magic pill that works as quickly and decisively as prednisone does for a Crohn's attack.
I can get some work done while I'm waiting for therapy today. I just realized that if I bring the files down from the cloud and onto my hard drive I will be able to work on it while I'm not connected to the internet. The video isn't terrible, Coco was verklempt when she watched it. It would have been better if I had started this a month ago, but I can't go back and change things. The show isn't until 7 tomorrow, so I'll have time to work on it before I go.
This bout with anxiety got me thinking about my self-image. When I couldn't start I was afraid of what could go wrong. I am filled with doubts. Once I start I'm supremely self-confident that I can overcome any obstacles in my path. I simultaneously have two contradictory views of myself. The same thing happens when I make my Budgiedome schedule or prepare for my Fantasy Baseball draft. I never had problems preparing for teaching. I never wavered from supremely self-confident. I need to keep reminding myself that I'm capable and can overcome the challenges. My therapist has me write down my successes. I'll write down finishing the video, even though it needs tweaking, right now. Why don't I have the same issue preparing the John Platt's On Your Radar events. That's like teaching, It's just a matter of scheduling time. I'll do that Sunday as I won't have time today and probably won't tomorrow either.
How do you feel when I write about the inner workings of my anxiety? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you find it enlightening? Does it help your anxiety? Does it make it worse? Please let me know with either a comment or a private message.
Now to make breakfast so I can head out and start my day. Jane is out and can't drive me to the Metro North, that adds 50 minutes to my trip.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
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