I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
March 02, 2018 - 10:57 a.m.
Have I mentioned that I'm an idiot? Remember how I said I was going to go shopping for clothes and eggs yesterday? I didn't do it. I realized I had some time to kill today between therapy and Abbie Gardner's pre-concert party and I'll do it then. There is a nor'easter, not a day I want to be walking around the City shopping. The rain is supposed to be light then but the winds high. I have no idea how I'm going to dress. An umbrella won't work with the high winds, but my trench coat won't protect my things. This might be a job for my poncho. I wish I hadn't lost my galoshes. I'm going to have to break down and buy a new pair.
I can hear the police at the firing range. I wonder if they can stay dry while they practice or if the point that they must be ready to use their gun in all conditions? It must be tough to be accurate when it's this windy.
I hit an anxiety barrier, barrier yesterday. It's just as effective as the big beautiful fence that Trump wants to build on the Mexican border and far cheaper. Mexico won't pay for the anxiety barrier either. I posted about it on Facebook and people encouraged me. One said how my talking about it is helpful as readers can see that others face the same thing. That is always part of the purpose of writing about my psych issues. I know exactly what I need to do in these situations, meditate. It doesn't take hours just minutes. I feel when my heart rate drops, and my muscles relax. Do other people have a moment when their entire body slumps as the muscles relax? It's like a switch flipping. Here's where things get meta; why don't I just start by meditating. Why fret for hours and post on Facebook when I know how effective meditation is? Because I know that if I meditate the next step is doing the thing I'm anxious about. My anxiety fights to keep itself alive. I have read about this, addicts go through the same thing; they are afraid of becoming clean as it means not taking the drugs they crave.
I have something new I want to try next time I need to meditate. I talked about meditation with my psychiatrist and she said she prefers the old term, bio-feedback. When I was young I was fascinated by that. I read of the eastern mystics that could control their heart rate. Then I read an article of studies done of people being hooked up to biometric monitors and learning to control autonomic functions, like heart rate, if they had feedback showing what the heart rate was. I decided to try this myself. I didn't have a monitor, but I have a pulse. I would sit still and try to lower my pulse rate. I found I could do it. What I was never sure of was if I was controlling it by volition or just sitting very still and relaxing causing the heart rate to naturally fall. In other words, I was meditating without calling it that. I'll give it a whirl next time I'm anxious. I'm anxious now, thinking of anxiety does that. OK. I'll give it a shot. My heartbeat noticeably slowed, and I feel better. There is a question of whether it did slow, I did not measure it. I'm not an unbiased observer and people are in general not good at judging things without measurement. Not now as I'm writing but I'll try it again and measure my heart rate before and after. Even that's hard as counting my pulse is the very thing that I'm trying to measure the effect of. Anyone have a heart rate monitor? Maybe Jane and Bernie do. I had one for my mother.
I am feeling better, so it did some good, or did it? Maybe I'm just convincing myself that I feel better as that's the more interesting and desired result. I still feel some anxiety. Maybe that's because it's the point I'm trying to make now.
That self-doubt is one of my philosophical pillars. Countless studies have shown how poor people are at judging themselves. I'm a people, so it applies to me too. I always keep mind my ability to fool myself. What I'm working on is not to argue with people that don't do that. The desire to fool yourself defends itself just as anxiety does. I love it when an entry comes together.
That's my signal to put this baby to bed and reward myself with breakfast. Then I'm off on my typical Friday odyssey, first north to Harrison for therapy, then south to Union Square for shopping, the further south to the Lower East Side for Abbie, then back north to City Island. Farewell My Gentle Readers wherever you may fare, till your eyries receive you at your journey's end.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
Follow on Feedly