I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
November 27, 2017 - 4:52 p.m.
I'm getting a very late start today; blame the meds. I'm beat. I should go out food shopping, but I'll put it off till tomorrow. I'm fighting to stay awake enough to write this. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about my meds. I prefer to be the guy that's always on the go to the guy that doesn't want to move. Maybe I should just drink coffee all day.
I have to talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow because the pharmacy doesn't have any record of my prescriptions having refills; except for the one med that I shouldn't have a prescription for at all. I was going to go out today to pick up the meds and while I were there get my flu shot. When I had a regular doctor I always got my shots. For years I stopped because I didn't have insurance; now I have Medicaid but no doctor. The anxiety still makes choosing one difficult. I'm trying to motivate myself with altruism, by not getting a shot I endanger the herd, everyone, not just myself. I have never had the flu, I rarely get any infectious disease; my problem is an overactive immune system. The last time I caught anything more serious than a cold was when I had chicken pox when I was in college. I have to motivate myself with the health of others, not myself.
It just struck me that perhaps there's a link between autoimmune disease and anxiety. Then thought better of it as I'm basing this on just one case, me. Sure, I know other people with both, but many people have anxiety, and many have autoimmune diseases, so we'd expect quite a few to have both. I didn't want to fall in a cognitive trap. My next thought was to Google anxiety autoimmune and show you all the bogus sites suggesting a connection based on supposition. Instead I found a peer-reviewed paper; The Emerging Link Between Autoimmune Disorders and Neuropsychiatric Disease. It doesn't say that all anxiety is caused by autoimmune disorders or all autoimmune disorder cause anxiety, but at least there is one specific link; I'll bring it up with my psychiatrist. There's a simple test for it. My money is on it not even being worth the test. But if it is then it's treatable, that would be nice.
I last updated from the bus on the way home from Emily and Joe's. I should give a recap of the trip. It was long; Joe drove me to South Station; we left the house at 11:15. We gave ourselves an hour, it took half that. It means I got there early but I didn't line up early as I have an "A" ticket. A tickets board first. All you have to do to get one is register with Bolt Bus. There is no reason to not do it. You also earn free trips. I took my seat and got comfortable. That lasted till the seat next to me was taken by a large person who made no effort to make things easier. Zhe never took off zer lined leather jacket. I put mine in the overhead. Zhe kept a bag on zer lap the entire trip. I'm not talking about a bag with necessities in it. It was a paper shopping bag with a package in it. I had a bag or an elbow digging into me most of the trip. Then to make things more fun the outlet didn't work so I had a limited time to use my computer; so much for my plan to watch The Punisher. Instead once I blogged the battery was drained, and my computer shut off. I listened to music and read the Times on my phone instead. A little after five I realized I could listen to John Platt on the WFUV app and I did.
The bus portion of the trip took over six hours thanks to holiday traffic. Then I had to walk to Grand Central Station, take the subway to Pelham Bay Park, and the bus back to City Island. I got home just about nine hours after I left Joe & Emily's house. Next year I see if I can find a reasonable rate on Amtrak. They don't have the super cheap fares on Bolt Bus the holiday weekend.
When I got home I collapsed. That seemed a good use of my time. At 1 AM I finally got the energy to go down and get some food. I ate enough over the weekend to hibernate over the winter. I wish I had a scale. I wonder if I gained weight. I also had more alcohol than I ever did on a weekend. It was all the homemade chocolate Irish crème. I don't drink but I do chocolate. I never felt the least bit buzzed; it wasn't that much. I have no desire to feel tipsy let alone drunk. I do want all the chocolate and all the bacon.
It must be Festivus, earlier I listened to the Roches' We Three Kings; now I'm listening to Handel's Messiah. I googled for the best recording and the best that's on Amazon Unlimited is this:
René Jacobs (conductor)I'm a philistine who doesn't know enough to judge but I figure if I listen to what's best I'll learn. I'm going to totally ruin my intellectual cred by turning it off when I'm finished posting this and watching The Punisher. The next couple of days I'm going to be busy watching the CW Arrowverse crossover: Crisis on Earth X. Is it a saving grace that I think it's a guilty pleasure? It's enough to keep cred with myself and that's what's important.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
Memories: Not that Horrid Song - May 29, 2018
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