I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

September 10, 2013 - 11:09 a.m.

Please Try and Stay with the Group

I have lots to do so of course I'm getting a late start. I MUST do laundry today. I have to vote. I have John Platt's On Your Radar tonight.

I had plans yesterday and didn't do any of them so I don't have that much to write about. I think I'm winning over my classes, especially the afternoon one. One of my students is changing his first name and for now he wants me to just use his last name, Islam. That reminded me of something that I only noticed recently and I said it aloud. "How come there are Christian's named Christian and Muslims named Islam, but there are no Jews name Jew? Is there any other religions that became names? But that's not my point. My point is the calculator (Frvous reference). After I said that I heard one student say, "I never had a teacher like him;" and it sounded like he meant that in a good way. Even though it wasn't math what I said has educational value. It's about noticing something common and realizing that just because it's the way things are it isn't the way things have to be. Why did the two biggest religions in the world become names? It seems not very useful. Most Christians live among Christians, and most Muslims among Muslims. Their religion does not distinguish them from the others so why would anyone call someone that? You'd never say, "oh he's the Christian" here because most people are. While if you said "The Jew" and you weren't in New York you'd often know who you were talking about. Jain is a name. Is that for the Jainists? Or are the both just from the Sanskrit word "Jain" meaning to conquer? Angel do you know?

After school I finished yesterday's entry then raced down to therapy. I had perfect timing. Last week was Labor Day and I missed it. There was a pent up demand for therapy. What I really needed was just someone to talk to. I needed conversation, and that's what we talked about, my needing conversation and my social interactions, not my anxiety. Since Falcon Ridge I've had very little quality time with friends and hardly any one-on-one conversation. Yesterday I was paying my shrink to be my friend. But of course it isn't the same as she doesn't share with me and that's a huge part of friendship. Thinking about it afterward I realized it was about having someone's total attention and them having mine. That's what I haven't had. In the last month I can count the times I've had that with anybody on the fingers of one hand.

We also talked about how I don't tell everyone "Feel sorry for poor me" so I guess I have to stop that. What I seriously do is say when things bother me then move on. That's a conditioned response, or learned behavior. Nobody wants to talk to the person that says "nobody wants to talk to me." I'm much more popular when I'm funny and upbeat and you know something, even when I'm lonely I really am funny and upbeat. It isn't an act. It's just where I shine the spotlight.

I was once out with a friend, one of the people I love the most, and out of nowhere she said, "I'm so tired of having to act happy all the time." We were out in public and I fumbled my response. I told her that she didn't have to with me of course but I didn't sell it. I should have given her a big hug even if we were in a crowd. I still think about this often.

After therapy I was planning on having only my second meal with a friend in a month with Steve. I headed back up to school, we were meeting near there, and when I stopped at the post office I saw he messaged me and had to cancel. There was an emergency. So there were no hurt feelings or anything. I was busy worrying about him.

At the post office I picked up my new sunglasses. I broke mine at Falcon Ridge and ordered a new pair from Amazon. I did not get the notice in my mailbox saying I had aq package. Good thing that Amazon let me know. Actually Google let me know first. I signed up for the Google Big Brother package, I forgot the real name. It watches pretty much everything I do online and lets me know what it thinks I need to know, like that my package arrived. it will tell me that there are delays so I better leave early for the appointment that it figured out that I have. I know some people find that creepy but I dont' actually care if computers know what I'm doing. They already knew in fact. All that changed is that it is letting me take advantage of that. People have some silly notions about privacy. they say, I don't want anyone to know what I bought. But of course they bought it online so the people that most care about them buying it know it already, the vender and the credit card company. If the government wanted to find out they could. So who are you trying to keep it a secret from? If that stuff really bothers you then only buy things in person with cash. I got my glasses because I don't keep it a secret. I couldn't find a pair I liked for a good price but because I searched an ad for the pair I bought popped up someplace, not sure if it was Facebook or Amazon or Google but it did and I found what I needed. I got a material benefit for it and it is not going to lead to dictatorship.

Once my dinner plans were canceled I had second thoughts about my music plans for the evening, seeing The tantalizing Tomoko Omura (who now as her own macro) at the LIC Bar in well LIC. the problem was that I was tired, the show was late, 9 PM and in Queens. And the one time I was there people talked through the show. So as much as I love Tomoko, which is a lot, I decided to make an early evening of it. I went to HogPit NYC for dinner, I am now addicted to their chicken friend steak, stopped for a few things at Trader Joe's, forgot the OJ, and was home by the time Tomoko started playing. I have to fight thinking of that as defeat. That's silly.

So that's my last point. When I feel these irrational things, I know they are irrational. I know when I'm being stupid and dont' try and justify them. So many people never get that and it bugs me. Is it irrational that it bugs me? Not sure. I'm going to enjoy my moral superiority for now.

I hope you enjoyed the walking tour of my brain.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile September 10, 2013
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