I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 16, 2017 - 10:32 a.m.
Before I write anything, else I must make right a terrible oversight from last entry; I left out the most important thing that happened. Caitlin passed around a bag of chocolate for Valentine's Day. When it reached, me I discovered, to you joy, that they were miniature Reese's hearts! To make it even better, the bag finished at my table so I had three of them. It's well-known that I love everybody that gives me chocolate better than anyone that hasn't. I love you Caitlin.
Yesterday was therapy day. I got some bad news, my therapist has been promoted is giving up part of her caseload. I'm going to get a new therapist. She is far and away the best therapist I've had. I went in there with a problem I've had for a week, something I couldn't get myself to do. I talked to her and last night I started on it. She knows how much I love her, I told her many times. I kept a stiff up lip and say that every therapist I had was better than the previous so perhaps my next will be better still. She might, I don't know. Ironically if she was not so good, I would be taking losing her far worse.
I don't want you to get the idea that I have a crush on her. I have of course had extensive education on psychology from watching TV shows. Transference, falling in love with your therapist, used to be a common theme on TV. I bet most of you were thinking "transference" before I used that term as you have had the education too. I love my therapist and she's beautiful but romantic love? It's unthinkable. It's not about rules or propriety, it's that the relationship is so different. I tell her everything and she tells me nothing. It's not a friendship. She's my therapist and there's no relationship quite like it.
As we have only one more session we talked a bit differently than usual. She told me that my issues are unique in her experience. She's never even heard of someone having trouble depositing checks. I take a perverse pride in this. I told her that. She laughed. She makes me feel better about myself.
Yesterday I told you that I needed to buy eggs and that you had to remind me; that if I didn't it was your fault. I bought eggs. Aren't you relieved? The store brand is less than half the price of the name brand. That's ridiculous. I taste no difference. It's not like one is organic or free range and the other isn't. Why do other people buy the name brand?
It was one of those rare days that I caught the 2:53 train after therapy. Usually I just miss it. That saves me a half an hour and I ended up getting home just when I would have if I hadn't stopped and shopped at Stop & Shop. That's a win.
I had only one jalapeno cheddar sausage left. I would normally eat two for dinner. I figured I'd find something at home to make up for it. There was, the leftovers of Jane and Bernie's lunch. There was a piece of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and roasted potatoes. I also made one of the plantains that I bought along with the eggs. I know, that's a lot of starches but it was delicious. I hope other people love eating as much as I do. They don't talk about it as much. When I feel things strongly I express them. I bet you noticed that.
Now I'm going to make breakfast then get back to work on the project my therapist nudged me into starting. I'm getting paid. I need the money. That's a good incentive but I'm the guy that didn't find it enough incentive to cash his paychecks.
I'm finished much earlier than usual but for I'm starved so I'll eat earlier than usual. What's it gonna be today? I'm leaning towards bacon and eggs.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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