I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
June 02, 2012 - 11:58 a.m.
I am not homeless! I've been through a whirlwind but I have an apartment. What I don't have is Internet and I won't have it till Tuesday afternoon. So how are you reading this? Do I have strange powers of the mind? Am I an alpha? Does anybody watch that show? The answer to all those questions is "no." Especially about watching Alphas. I'm in an apartment with no TV, radio, or internet. What I have is a computer, actually two computers, my laptop and my desktop but my desktop is not set up yet. I'll do that tomorrow. I can't post online but nothing is stopping me from writing on the computer and that's what I'm doing. Tomorrow I'll go online at Starbucks and post it.
Change in plan. I'm too tired to write now. I'll do it in the morning. Now it's morning.
I was all planning on moving into the place with two other people, the landlord and one other tenant. I'd have a small room with a day bed, it felt like a dorm. The location was great but I was not happy about the living conditions. Then yesterday morning I got a call about an apartment that I had previously made an appointment to see but that was rented before I got to see it. The deal fell through. After some soul searching I decided that I hadn't signed anything with the new place and to take a look at it. It's a small one bedroom in an even better location; right by the Atlantic Center, the hub of Brooklyn renewal. I'll make a long story short. There are issues. The place is far from perfect, but I get to live alone. I took it. I have a place to live this summer with a chance of making it permanent.
I'm on the fourth floor of a beautiful brownstown. Normally the fourth floor would not be an issue but since I've started having the anxiety attacks going up stairs has been difficult. I often feel like I have a heart failure. Walking up by myself was fine. Walking up with my suitcase was manageable. But following that by walking up with my bins proved almost impossible. It was climb one or two steps and put down the bin. When I finished I collapsed on the bed and didn't move for a few hours. Just thinking about it is making my chest tight. I ended up going out a few more times and I was fine. Heavy lifting might be the only time I have a problem.
When I got up from my collapse I realized that the living room has no light in it. I texted the owner. He said he uses lamps. He didn't leave a lamp for me in the living room. There was one on the bedroom but that didn't work. So the first thing I did was walk over to Target to buy a lamp. It's a funky one with peace symbols on it. It's also cheap.
I came back to the apartment talked to Carey on the phone for a while. Then I went out foraging for food. One of the issues with the apartment is that the gas line is not connected to the range. The owner is going to take care of that. He never used it. He has a microwave and a toaster oven. I can't live like that of course. The range is tiny. It looks like an easy-bake-oven. I get cable and internet on Tuesday.
I found dinner at a barbecue place. The food was good but I had to sit at the bar and I am not a bar person. The next place I'll try is the burger joint.
You'd think in an up and coming neighborhood like this there's be an internet cafe at ever corner. I couldn't find one. I ended up going to the Starbucks at the LIRR terminal. I might be living there till I get internet at home. I stayed there till closing. When I got back to my apartment and realized I was too tired to write I came up with something great to do. Gene had giving me a Jean Shepherd CD. I played it on my laptop and listened in bed. It was one of Jean's radio s shows from 1971 when I was 13. I know I heard it back a then and probably listened from bed. It was reliving a good part of my adolescence. I fell asleep before I heard the whole show. I'll pick up tonight where I nodded off.
I need to get things out of storage. I need clothes. I need my camera, I need odds and ends, I need cooking things, I need my French press, I need stuff.
I did another big step, moving in, and once again I was faced with being depressed. I'm not quite over it. I have a lot to do and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Things are far from ideal. I'm lonely and being disconnected from the internet makes that worse.
Now I'm going to see if I can find someplace better than Dunkin' Donuts to get breakfast. I'd like to be able to sit down and have some sort of real meal that I can eat relaxed. Then I'll run to Pathmark to pick up a few things, then have a nervous breakdown as I think about all the other things I need.
Tonight I'm going to see Jim's Big Ego at the Living Room. At least that's where I think they are playing at 8 PM. I'll have to check at Starbucks. You should join me. They put on an amazing show and I could use the company.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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creative commons
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile June 02, 2012
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