I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
August 24, 2016 - 11:44 a.m.
I will now write about what I did yesterday. I sat on the couch and didn't move. That is true of all but a few hours. It wasn't depression or ennui it was the meds. It had been getting better, and today is my best day yet, but yesterday I was sleepy. I managed to get up and go to the Snug for dinner at 7:30 PM or so. When I got there the place was packed but Jane and Bernie were sitting at one booth and I joined them. I ordered my usual. I love being able to order "the usual." Most of my life I've been a square peg in a round hole and it's nice to have a Snug fit. See what I did there?
After dinner I went to Lickity Split for ice cream. They are out of my favorite flavor, bittersweet symphony, this week so I had a soft chocolate cone. See I'm well adjusted. I can handle extreme adversity. Or I could give credit to the meds. Nope, it's me being wonderful.
One of my ideas for today is political, depressing, and preachy. It involves Trump. Ok that’s redundant. I'm going to save that one. Instead I'll continue the idea of square pegs.
A quick recap. I had no friends in high school. Well OK I had one friend but he wasn't in my year and I never saw him in school. As part of our brain never leave high school I never completely get over that feeling. Things were better in college and grad school then got worse for a long time. I had friends but not a sense of community. It took two things to give me that, the invention of the Internet, thank you DARPA, and my decision to start going out to hear live music by myself. That led to me going out to hear live music with other people. That led to Früheads the Moxy Früvous fan community. That led to the The Budgiedome. Then came Facebook then NERFA. And I finally feel belong. I often speak of my Falcon Ridge Family. They feel like family. But there's more. When I'm in trouble, which is often nowadays, people reach out to me.
It's not just the big things. What prompted me to write this was an email from one of my musician friends. An old band of hers that I never got to see is having a reunion. She invited me to go as her guest to a Festival to see them. She didn't have to do that. I didn't ask. But she wanted me there. The high school part of my brain has trouble accepting that. It's nice to be able to say to it, "I told you so."
Today is Jane's birthday. Happy birthday Jane! She's a big part of feeling accepted. People seeing me on my birthday was wonderful. There are things I don't have but it's important to remind myself of the things I do have. That's what this is about. And it's about reminding you to remind yourself about what you have. The world is not perfect. Everything does not always work out for the best. There is tragedy and injustice. But there's also a lot of good and having people to share the good and the bad is part of the good.
OK that was corny. Now I have to post this and quickly shower and get ready so I can get to therapy on time. That should be interesting. "I was not anxious this week as I spent most of it in a drug induced stupor."
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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