I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
January 06, 2015 - 11:44 a.m.
I don't know what to write about today. I didn't do much yesterday. I went to Therapy and of course I can't talk about what happens there. I will say that I was right and she was proud of me for being honest with My Gentle Readers and getting help.
I rewarded myself by buying half price bagels. Last time I bought them I left them on the bus. I have gone without bagels for weeks! Am I still Jewish? I then went to Trader Joe's and bought some real food, chicken tenders. I have been surviving on sausages and ham because that's what I had around. I made a great dinner of Cajun chicken and roasted potatoes. I didn't have enough Cajun seasoning so I also used red pepper and garlic. It was divine. I do know how to cook it just right. Most people overcook chicken so it' dried out.
I don't get why my breakfast was so good. I had what I often make, poached eggs, pork roll, American cheese, and an English muffin. But for some reason it was extra good. You'll notice I said pork roll not Taylor ham. that's because they didn’t have Taylor ham last time I went shopping and I needed it. It's story brand! It isn't as good but it's much cheaper and hell that was great yesterday. I do one thing you wouldn't expect. Everyone else puts the ham or Canadian bacon on the muffin then covers it with the egg. I put the ham under the muffin. Why? So the muffin can absorb the egg yolk. It is noticeably better that way.
So yes my life is crumbling about me and I'm writing about food. That is me in a nutshell.
I had a very bad night's sleep last night. I woke up randomly then started worrying about my problems. Usually I can shut it off and sleep but I couldn't I gave up and watched an episode of classic Doctor Who, The Armageddon Factor part 4. that's the final serial in the Key to Time arc. I hardly remembered it, just how part 6 ends, the resolution of the arc. It helped quite a bit. I did stuff online for a few minute after it was over and then the internet was out. It was still out when I woke up. then I rebooted the modem and that fixed it.
I did something I feel good about. I started writing a song. I recorded the chorus on my phone. That' what I always neglect doing. I actually wrote it on Sunday. It was my typical songwriting experience. I was listening to Ceol na nGael, one of WfUV's Irish programs, before I went out. I found myself humming something that sounded Irish. It wasn't something played I had made it up. Now usually that's where it ends. But this time I tried putting words to it. I have had a song title I've wanted to use for a month and tried singing it to the melody. It worked though the melody by then had crossed the Irish Sea and was now English. That's what I recorded 25 seconds of a song. I wrote some of the verses but didn't record them so now I have to rewrite them. But now I know how the song is structured. I remember one line I particularly like. If I finish it I'd like to have enough nerve to take it to the songwriter's exchange. This is my happy thought for now. My other happy thought is all the friends who are being so supportive of me.
I always tell myself that I'm going to write about my love life. When it comes down to it I chicken out. I just chickened out again. It's that it isn't fair for me to write about other people so it has to be in total generalities and I have yet to figure out how to do that. Oh and I don't actually have a love life. I guess I just want to say that I want one. Some people think I have no interest. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Even with all that's happening to me I think about it all the time. I told my therapist that I thought it was a good sign that I was unhappy about my love life. It's better than feeling the fear of my financial situation. OK I guess I am talking about it. Ahhh but I can't write more. I tried. I didn't like what came out.
I think I'm going to treat myself to pancakes today. I better start cooking.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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