I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
January 27, 2014 - 11:39 a.m.
I got hardly anything done yesterday. It was not a good day in my internal world. I have no reason at all to have anxiety about setting up the On Your Radar event but I couldn't do it. I'm still fighting it. I have to do it today. I finally, way too late got myself to go to Trader Joe's. That set up time pressure. Because I was not in a good state I wanted to watch Christine Lavin and Honor Finnegan's web concert. I figured they could make me feel better if anyone could, favorite performers and favorite people. The concert started at 7 so of course I didn't leave here till well after 5 PM and I have to take the subway there. Then Trader Joe's had the longest line I ever saw at the Brooklyn store. Good thing that they hire the best people. The line went completely around the store but it moved steadily, and not slow but steady either. I didn't buy chocolate. How did that happen? I thought I had but I hadn't. it isn't a Trader Joe's run without something chocolate.
I got home with four minutes to spare and had to put perishables in the fridge and take off my winter clothing. I through the coat etc on the couch. I tossed the eggs and things in the fridge and turned on the computer. I forgot that paying for the show would require filling out forms. But I did it and only missed about 20 seconds. I have resisted watching these things till now as I know I have trouble concentrating on music videos on the computer. And I did find myself doing other things while I watched. The chat helped keep me focused especially as I knew other viewers. I should point out that the fault lies not in the stars (Chris and Honor) but in myself. They were great. And I got to be a shill. Betsy Franco Feeney was a special guest. Chris sang Amoeba Hop and Hole in the Bottom of the Sea while Betsy turned the pages of the books. She wrote and illustrated them. When they did that I posted links to buying the book on Betsy's website..
Every time I see Honor performed I'm amazed and I realized that the difference in my reactions to Chris and Honor is context. Chris was a great performer that I became friends with. Honor was a friend that I discovered was a great performer. So I'm always going to find some surprise at what a good friend Chris is and what a good singer/songwriter/performer Honor is. I don't think that will ever go away.
After the show I made dinner. I had a Kobe beef burger from Trader Joe's and a Hasselback Potato. I had the oven set to high for the potato and it wasn't as good as the first two times I made it. It's still my favorite form of potato. I just have to perfect it.
My dinner was interrupted when the someone came into the kitchen while I was eating. I really should just eat in my room as I hate being disturbed. I don't want to talk to anyone who lives here other than the landlady. She's a sweetheart. I have two related lines of thought about the people here. One is that the two people that the two residents that I interact are heavily socially flawed. They don't know how to deal with other people. And I wonder that as I live here am I in the same boat? Do people give me names like "The Shower Nazi?" Do they wonder how someone could be so rude? On the other hand my living situation would make a great sitcom, "Rooming House." You can have the regulars and keep things fresh with the transients. The handyman steals my food so I put my name on sharpie on everything I put in the fridge. That can be exaggerated into a running gag. Maybe putting a locked strongbox in the fridge.
One more related note. I am not like the other people here. I can live in society. People even like me. It wasn't always like that and I realized what happened. How I went from having no friends in high school to being somebody that is reasonably well liked. Part of it of course is running in the right social circles. I have a leg up with anybody in the folk music world. These are my people. But without consciously doing anything I learned how to use my social awkwardness into a social tool. I accept that I'm not acting quite like "normal" people and that makes others more accepting. When you joke about tripping over the Ottoman every time you walk into your own living room it's a lot less annoying that tripping and trying to cover it up.
I almost forgot the big news. My nephew is getting married. That's great! The park that makes things well interesting is that the wedding is the Saturday of Falcon Ridge. The only thing that would be close is if it were during NERFA. Any other weekend would pretty much be fine. Nothing else is that important to me to even be worth thinking about. But this is Falcon Ridge. The Budgiedome is the thing I most look forward to all year. It's the one thing I do that I'm really proud of. So here's my plan,. The wedding is about 3 hours away in upstate New York. I borrow somebody's car and drive there with a change of clothes. My sisters must have hotel rooms where I can shower and change. I go to the wedding then head back in the car and race back to Falcon Ridge for at least some of the Budgiedome Saturday evening performances. Yes it will mean missing all of the actual festival on Saturday. There are rumors of someone I don't want to miss playing but if I have to I have to. I can miss that. But missing the Budgiedome gives me the heebee jeebies. It will be like when Alan left Aubrey's wedding right after the main course so he could catch the second half of the Jet game. He NEVER missed a Jet home game. And this is more special, it's once a year and so much of who I am is intertwined with it. For two nights I get to be satisfied with my life.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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