I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

February 27, 2018 - 11:47 a.m.

Que Sera Seratonin

When I don't get enough sleep, I want to keep going back to sleep and doze off while I'm at my computer. That means I start blogging later. Maybe I should just make breakfast and drink coffee before I start. I resist doing that; I love My Gentle Readers too much to make them wait.

I spent much of yesterday creating the next John Platt's On Your Radar event, OYR w/ Phoebe Hunt & the Gatherers, Sam Reider, and Hannah Read. I don't know if anyone else cares, but I am proud of the format I created for the event photos.

I used to do all the graphics with Picasa but that's no more, so I had to find a website with photo editing that makes collages, then learn how to use it. I really need a decent free graphics program.

I tried something new. I had been creating the events on the OYR group but there were issues with how many invites it allowed last month. This time I made it with the OYR page. That brought an unexpected benefit, there is a buy tickets link built into it.

I'm even more excited about the concert; this promises to be one of the best shows in the series. I love all three acts and they can all join each other. You should come, this edition of On Your Radar deserves to be a sellout.

I wimped out last night and didn't go out even though I had two concerts I very much wanted to go to, James Downes, and Jill Sobule. I've seen James recently with The End of America, but I have not seen Jill in a year. She's on my must-see list. I have loved her music for over 20 years. So why didn't I? I just didn't feel up to it after three shows over the previous two days, two of them thee hours long. I know that they don't need me at the shows; it's not like I let them down. I don't even think I made the wrong decision; I know enough to listen to my body. I guess it comes down to my body letting me down. I need more Jill in my life.

I decided to save what I planned on writing about for therapy, that's a more appropriate venue. I will just give a taste of it here. I have depression and was not aware of it even though if you go through my blog you'll see how often I say that I'm depressed. I thought of it as a temporary phase not part of who I am. What I am is a cheerful hobbit. It turns out that I'm a cheerful hobbit with depression. That only became clear when I started on the meds. I can feel the difference. Antidepressants work by boosting serotonin production. I could be cheerful because I self-medicated. I didn't do it with substances but behaviors. One of them is listening to music. That's always good for a shot of serotonin. There are others. The problem was when I became addicted and when I was denied access to them I went through psychological withdrawal. Depression would body slam me. My reaction was self-defeating behavior. That's enough of a taste.

I'll end with some good news. My sister Sue messaged me. She checked online and found that my school owes me yet more money and that New York State has it. There's a website that tells you if you are owed money in New York. My anxiety is improving as I was able to access it and fill out the forms without someone holding my hand. As happened before it told me that it could not be processed online, and I must do it via paper forms. I suspect if I gave some different answers it would let me do it online which is faster. I said some of what I said didn't match their records. It's probably things like using my middle initial or listing my phone number as my cell or home phone. I know these things matter and that creates anxiety, but I got through it and printed out the form. Today I fill it out and get it notarized and mail it in.

You are probably wondering how I let this happen. I wonder the same thing. The one thing I would ask is that you don't judge me or other people that do things that seem inexplicable. It's not a character issue. The mind works in mysterious ways.

Now to reward myself for writing about difficult things by eating breakfast. Yes, I would do the same thing if I wrote about anything. Let me have my illusions.

I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.

It's Like This, Kat - March 05, 2018
Wishes On A Neon Sign - March 04, 2018
Buses, Trains, and Automobiles - March 04, 2018
Biofeedback - March 02, 2018
Mure VanSant Less Cowbell - March 01, 2018

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Horvendile February 27, 2018
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