I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 09, 2017 - 12:20 p.m.
There was a letter I had to write and mail that is vital for my financial wellbeing. If you wanted to design a task to raise my anxiety levels to their highest levels that would be it. I kept putting it off because that's how I deal with anxiety. It is a terrible way to deal with anxiety. This is why I am in therapy. The plan my therapist and I came up with was that I was not allowed to blog till I wrote the letter. To make me accountable I posted the terms on Facebook right from my therapy session. The fact that you are reading this means that I wrote the letter! I couldn't not blog. You might be thinking, "Isn't your financial wellbeing more important than blogging?" The answer is, of course but that's not the way our minds work. Immediate reinforcement outweighs long term benefits as motivation.
The common wisdom is that after doing it I'd feel better. The common wisdom is wrong. My anxiety is going through the roof. I thought that blogging would relieve it but it's not. Excuse me why I do deep breathing and brief meditation. That helped. Now blogging is helping.
There is a battle going on now between blogging and hunger. I could be making a delicious breakfast now. My breakfasts are always delicious. As a special treat, I'm going to make myself a peanut butter omelet when I'm done. Well if I have enough eggs. Otherwise it's Eggs Horvendile. Hey nobody ever said that I can't top the poached eggs with peanut butter instead of Cheez-Whiz! OK I'm going for that. It might be a disaster and it might be amazing. I can choose between Taylor ham, sausage, or no meat at all. I can make so many variations of this. I make the omelets meatless so I think I'll try that first.
Writing about food has knocked the anxiety for a loop. I'm feeling so much better. So now for a short recap of what I did yesterday. As you already gathered I went to therapy. As you might guess, as it's me; there is an idiot story. Jane couldn't drive me yesterday so I had to take two buses to the train. Since I figured out that I can go to Fordham instead of New Rochelle that's become easier as the bus to Fordham runs once every 4 minutes and the one to New Rochelle once an hour. Last time I went I took the 11:31 bus from City Island got there to Fordham with more than 15 minutes to spare. This time I decided to take the 11:46 bus. When I checked on the app to see if was on time I discovered that there is no 11:46 bus, the next one is 12:01. That meant missing the 12:25 train and having to wait for the 12:55. That would be fine if the bus from the Harrison train station to the hospital ran more often than once an hour. It doesn't. I got there 20 minutes before my appointment. It if were 25 I could walk very fast and make it with some leeway. 20 minutes left me no leeway so I had to take a cab. You know why? I'm an idiot.
Coming home was super easy. I made great connections. The weather was beautiful but started to cool down on the way back. Oh, I forgot another idiot story. I anticipated it cooling off on the way home and planned on dressing in layers, a hoodie and my spring jacket. I couldn't find my spring jacket. It must be here someplace. I just wore the warmer hoodie. I was cold waiting for the bus in the middle of Pelham Bay Park. I survived. OK that's two idiot stories. There's one more.
I woke up this morning to seeing whiteout through my window. If feels like a different season than yesterday. I had the pressure of writing the letter. There was so much news in the world. Sessions was confirmed. Liz Warren was silenced. I had a new meme to post, "She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, She Persisted." It felt like it was ages since my therapy. I went over to the New York Times to get my Paul Krugman fix. He has a column every Friday; it wasn't there! I saw no explanation. I posted on Facebook that not having Krugman on Friday was like a kid waking up this morning and finding out there's school. One problem. It's Thursday. I'm an idiot but at least I'm consistent. I'm also hungry so I'll take a day off from analyzing the problems with the world and be satisfied with telling you of the problems in my head. Now for Peanut Butter Eggs Horvendile.
You can will what you do but you can't will what you will - February 14, 2017
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