I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
March 07, 2017 - 12:49 p.m.
Poor choice of music to write to this morning, The Original Broadway Cast Album of Come From Away. I should turn it off. It takes too much of my attention. I'll listen later. Glen Gould playing the The Goldberg Variations is much more conducive to writing.
Yesterday was another day of journeying on public transit. My music, that I chose to accept, was to go up to the hospital pharmacy and get my med prescription filled. I had been without them since I went to sleep on Friday. I was feeling it, lots of general anxiety and what I now see is depression. I didn't see it before I took meds. Something would happen and I couldn't get it out of my head for extended periods of time. I'm not talking hours, this was mild, that I'd have always recognized as depression, but fir 10 minutes at a time and it would recur. That doesn't happen when I'm on Sertraline and Gabapentin. When I got to the hospital I realized that I get that safe at home feeling when I see it. Don't look too deeply into that, I had the same feeling at school. It's about familiarity. I am very comfortable in hospitals and that quickly generalized to mental hospitals. Hospitals are places I get better. I know how to navigate the social system, once I'm away from financial offices. I get along well with the staff.
I got to the pharmacy and in addition to the usual pharmacist there was a new assistant. I couldn't tell you a thing about the old ones but she was friendly and I'm friendly and that made things easier. Things needed to be easier, they had only one of my prescriptions filled. She looked all over and couldn't find the other. This is not good for my anxiety. I handled it well. I sat down and amused myself thinking about feeling anxiety about my anxiety meds. I thought about writing it. All that helped. When she called me over to tell me that both prescriptions were ready I told her how I amused myself. That amused her. My debit card was hidden behind my MetroCard. She thought I said "crying" not hiding and that her credit card is always crying. That human interaction makes everything so much more pleasant.
As soon as I got my prescription I went to the water fountain, filled my bottle, then took the pills. I did not feel instantly better, I did not expect to. The next leg of my journey was a trip to Aldi. I had some good luck, they didn't collect my ticket on the train. That's three of my last four trips. It's silly but that always makes me happy.
I discovered that Aldi sells Nathan's franks quite a bit cheaper than Stop & Shop. I'm going to do all my meat shopping there for now except for Taylor ham and bacon which they don't have. I picked up a few more things and headed home. I can make it there in about half an hour. That's the closest good supermarket. The ones on City Island that I can walk to are more expensive.
I have very little on the agenda this week so I tried something different, I put money on my MetroCard not time. I just realized that might not have been wise. The next time I need to travel it involves more than two fares. And then I'm doing many things so want an unlimited. I could have just bought an unlimited but not used it till then.
Now for my adventures with the police state. Weeks ago, Alex baked me pumpkin spice scones and mailed them to me express. I never got them. Tracking said that it was still in transit. They finally got a letter saying that the package was "lost in the mail." All they found was part of the wrapper with their address on it. I have two theories. One is Obama did it. If Trump can accuse him of tapping his phone, then I can accuse him of stealing my scones. The man needs a hobby. The argument against this plan is that scones does not seem to be his culinary style; we are talking a guy that eats precisely 7 almonds as a snack every day. Bill Clinton is more of a pumpkin spice scones kinda guy.
My second theory is that as well-known enemies of the state, or at least the current administration, correspondence between Alex and me is closely monitored. The FBI thought it might be a bomb. They opened it up and smelled the scones. They are only human so they ate them. I find that more likely.
Third possibility. It wasn't the FBI it was ICE. They open packages looking for undocumented immigrants and when they find something good they give it to Trump as a thank you for letting them off the leash. I could so see Trump eating the scones. That upsets me more than if it were Obama. Maybe Obama's hobby could be becoming a private eye and I could hire him to discover what happened. How about it Barack? You into that? Think what a great premise for a TV show, Ex-Pres PI: "He used to be a mild mannered POTUS but now he's on the mean streets fighting crime." Tonight's episode, From Russia with Scones.. The episode pretty much writes itself. This is going to be huge. Joe Biden can be his trusty sidekick. James Comey is his friend/nemesis on the force. Michelle is simply referred to as "the Missus." Hillary can be in one episode as a crusading lawyer and then get spun off into her own show. Trump is the recurring villain. You never see his face, just tiny hands petting a cat, I mean pussy.
In other exciting news when I was at Trader Joe's I bought garlic salt. I used it yesterday. I think it's better than Whole Foods'; it's more garlicy. What I don't like is that it has a grinder so it takes two hands.
Wow it's late. No wonder I'm starving. I don't know what I'm making but there will be garlic salt on it.
Wait! One more thing. I noticed when I got home that the general anxiety was gone and that even when triggered I had no trouble getting unpleasant things out of my head. I just tested and thought of one of them now. Nothing! I just want to finish this and eat. Meds are a wonderful thing.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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