I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 29, 2015 - 11:28 a.m.
No movement on my personal disaster as I was too scared to do anything about. Hell I'll tell you what happened. My debit card was rejected. I'm afraid somebody hacked my account. I know I should have checked immediately. It can be other things. I'm going to the bank today. All I'm seeing in my head is a disaster film. So let's turn off the mental TV for now.
Then I was in such a bad mental state I lost my usual caution with a friend and complained about something though reason said I shouldn't. That happens when I get upset. It never works out well.
OK so I after being totally listless for a day and a half I went out last night. If my life is in ruins it won't be in more ruins if I hear music. I went to see Red Molly. Lots of bands are my band but Red Molly more than most. If you go to the official Facebook page of the group you'll find that I'm the creator of it. I named their album Love and Other Tragedies. I'll wager I've sold their merch more than anyone. I might have seen them more than anyone but have no real handle on that. I also have a permanent comp from them which is good as I'm poor and now might be broke. OK let's not go to the disaster film.
Because of my anxiety issues I didn't ask for my ticket till this week. I thought the show was later in the summer. Then Erika asked me if I were going. I immediately wrote Laurie and asked if I could still get a ticket. She immediately wrote back and said yes. Whew, City Winery is always too expensive for me.
As usual going was the right decision. I had some time off from feeling horrible. Shortly after I got to the seat Chris came over, gave me a hug, and said hi. I broke down from being tight lipped and told him what's going on. I told one other person online before that. That let me tell you. My life is pretty much an open book. That's the cost or benefit of blogging. It's a blessing … and a curse.
Hey I'm writing about the show stop interrupting! Fine I'll keep quiet about my personal life.
I told Chris I wanted to find Erika. He had seen her. I of course can't spot anyone unless I'm very close. I followed his general directions and found her and Arthur and talked to them for till the show started.
I knew the opener too, Jesse Terry. I knew the opener's sideman, Jon Paul. I didn't know it was Jon Paul till I got home and saw pictures. I must have missed when Jesse introduced him and no way I could see him well enough from my seat. I was wondering if I'd know him as Jesse and I know so many of the same people.
I have seen Red Molly a zillion times but this might be my last time seeing them in New York City. Might be my last time at all but I think I'm seeing them next week in Woodbridge NJ. They are going on hiatus and as a fan of Moxy Früvous I don't assume it won't be permanent. Pretty sure they will all act nicer than Jian. Too soon?
They did 1952 Vincent Black Lightning, the second time I heard it live this weekend. This time I held out tearing up till Molly was told that James had been shot. I think it was at Shotgun blast till his chest left nothing inside/Come down Red Molly to his dying bedside. I have never lasted past But he smiled to see her cry..
Five years ago when Carolann left and Molly joined Red Molly and before they went off to Alaska I made Laurie promise that they'd work up Anthony da Costa's Last Call. They didn't. I have head Anthony do it since then but never Red Molly. Last night they finally did it! See Laurie is a woman of her word. And everyone who loved it can thank me for it. Laurie actually has no memory of making that promise. But it still works subconsciously. Yeah that's the ticket.
I had other friends at the show but not the old Red Molly crowd. I saw Coco and Bruce during the break. Marty said hello before the show. During the intermission while I was totally distracted someone tapped me on the shoulder. I saw a face but couldn't make out who it was. She kissed me. I still didn't know who it was. I thought I might have simply become irresistible to women. Then she said hi, my eyes focused, and I realized it was Karen. Nope, not irresistible. Glenn was there too but I didn't see him. He commented on a picture I posted on Facebook but I wasn't checking my Facebook.
None of my photographs of the show came out good enough to post here. But I got one that I'm very happy about.
That's the candle on my table. I love pictures like that.
After the show Jesse had a crowd of cute women around him so I couldn't say more than a passing hi to him. I did talk to Laurie and Abbie. It still feels weird that I don't see them all the time. There was at least one year where Abbie was the person that I saw and talked to the most. Not he musician, the person. She was performing with Red Molly, Solo, with Anthony, and with Pat, and I'd see her socially too.
Oh I got my last heckle in. It's not a Red Molly show if I don't heckle. Abbie was doing the intro to Copper Ponies where she talks about going to Australia. First she talked about Kangaroos. Then she told how her lament that Australia dropped the penny led to her writing the song. "Without a penny what do you wish on?" I shouted out, "Kangaroos!" She knew it was me. I have a sort of distinctive voice. Sort of like fingernails on a blackboard.
Last time I went to City Winery it was a bitch to get home. Every subway line seemed to not be running. This time it was easy. I could walk to Houston and catch the to the .
OK today I have to go to the bank. It is right by my therapist. Wish me luck. If I don't succeed before therapy, therapy should help me go afterward.
See I told you yesterday I can always be professional and write this. For one day I chose to not be. And even yesterday it conveyed my mental state succinctly. I'll call it a win.
Now to eat breakfast. As I told Scott yesterday. Food makes me feel better and without it you die.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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