I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 19, 2016 - 10:08 a.m.
Hey I'm actually writing in the morning. This was my norm for so long and now it's strange. Somehow that says a lot about life.
I have not left the house since I wrote yesterday. My plan was to see the wonderful Calamity Janes at one of my homes away from home, Jalopy. I ended up not having the energy for it. It's a two-hour trip, perhaps more, each way and I likely would have missed the last bus back to City Island. They didn't go on till 9:30. I feel bad as I was very much in the mood to see them.
The other reason I didn't go was that I was hit with sleepiness. When I finished writing yesterday I took a nap for over an hour. Then later I had trouble keeping my eyes open during the Met game. Getting to watch the game was one of the perks of staying home. I did go out for a long lunch with Alice and Jim yesterday but it was just a 15-minute walk from here. I was going to say that I didn't take public transportation yesterday but the bus was there when we left the restaurant so I took it. Still it was a far most relaxing day than I've had in the last few weeks and as much as I love going out I need balance. Tonight I'm out gallivanting again.
I have a new binge watch on Amazon Prime, The Sarah Jane adventures. It's a spinoff of the original Doctor Who series centered on my favorite companion, Sarah Jane Smith. Clearly I'm not the only one that feels that way. She was also brought back on the new series. This is a must watch for Doctor Who fans. I had seen a few episodes but Amazon Prime has the complete series.
I discussed with my therapist that binge watching is one of my coping methods. In my deepest depression just about the only thing I could get myself to do was watch Game of Thrones.
What I am unhappy about is that I did not do any reading. I was home almost all day. That's what happens when I'm sleepy. The doctor said the side effect is rare and it doesn't happen every day but I suspect it's the Zoloft. I'm not going to stop taking it but I will keep him informed.
I'm also unhappy about baseball. The Mets lost the game I watched to the worst team, the Atlanta Braves. They blew a 3-0 lead. Going into the game they were 0 for their last 17 with runners in scoring position. They added to the streak last night; the runs were scored on solo home runs and a sac fly.
Then my fantasy team, the Nashional Batnoses, had a terrible day, my pitchers blew up. We're in first place and we are still in first place but we lost ground. The first thing I do most mornings is check the league standings, but today I had to work up my courage.
After being sleepy all day I couldn't fall right asleep when I went to bed. It's probably from the naps. Insomnia used to be the rule not the exception. I used the things I learned in my program to help me sleep and stop me from thinking about the things that cause anxiety. The first step was being mindful. I hate using that word as it's become a buzz word. I have to find a better substitute. What I did is focus on what my body was sensing, the bed pushing up on me, the parts of my body that still had tension, the blackness I saw. I could feel myself slipping into the hypnogogic stage, the one that precedes sleep. I then imagined something very soothing and comfortable that used multiple senses, sight, sound, and touch. Next thing I know I was waking up because my foot fell off the bed and I realized I was cold. I had to go through it all again to get back to sleep.
Even on nights when I fall right asleep I have taken to observing the process. When a noise or something else snaps me out of the hypnogogic state I work on getting back to it. Those moments before sleep are the most peaceful of the day.
Now I'm going to make bacon and eggs. I bought English Muffins so I can have a normal breakfast for me. Well except for the fact that we are out of coffee. I'll pick some up later. Maybe I'll walk over to Dunkin Donuts and pick up a pound.
The purpose of Wise Madness is to describe what's going on in my head. Some days that doesn't mean going out and hearing music, or dealing with an emotional crisis, or solving the problems of the world. Some days it's analyzing being relaxed.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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