I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
May 06, 2017 - 8:11 p.m.
Woke up this morning with a Crohn's attack. I was afraid I would. I've been pushing my limits too much. Last night I had raisins. I thought I'd have a few, I ended up with half the can. All those raisin skins clogged up my small intestine. I tried writing this morning and couldn't I finally gave up and went back to bed. I stayed there all day. I slept most of the time. I didn't have the energy to get the water bottle right next to the bed even though I was thirsty. I didn't have the energy to pull up the covers even though I was cold. I finally managed those two things. Things are a bit better now. I'm out of bed. I don't know how long this will last
First I thought I had nothing planned for tonight. Then I realized I had to choose between three concerts I had planned for tonight. Now I'm going to none of them. Bev Grant is playing at the Starving Artist just a few blocks away. I can't even make that.
I had therapy yesterday. It might be time consuming but the trip is not often unpleasant; torrential rain made in unpleasant. I fell a bit behind in the morning and did not have time to put my galoshes on. I did have my trench coat, Irish twill hat and an umbrella. The result was that I was drenched from the shins on down. I took my shoes off during the session so I'd be less waterlogged. All I could think at the start was "I'm wet." I'd like to quote The Producers and say, "I'm hysterical and I'm wet but I was not hysterical.
Therapy was fun. We talked a lot of politics. She asked me if Trump is making me feel anxious. He's not. He actually helps. The resistance gets me out of myself. I feel angry, not anxious. Ironically that phenomenon is a big reason for the success of populists, people who feel economically anxious find release in the hate and fear of the others, those they blame.
There was a lot of that going on in the session, me observing the world and observing myself observing the world. It was very much like a free form Wise Madness. She again told me how much she enjoys our sessions. We ended up going 15 minutes over. The best part was at the start when I was feeling cold and wet. I said on the bright side it gives me an excuse to have the world's best hot chocolate when I got home. I then went into my pitch for No Chewing Allowed Hot Chocolate. She looked it up on her phone and wrote it down! She got excited about it. I told her that I'd tell My Gentle Readers that it was reason 593 that I love my therapist.
I told her about recording the radio show and that I could do it as a regular thing. She says that would be very good for my mental health. I can see that though I'd just say, "it would be fun."
The therapist said many things that made me feel better about myself. My self-esteem is complicated. I think of myself of having high self-esteem but I have my doubts. One of my very favorite lines by James Branch Cabell was "He wasn't cursed with self-awareness." I always wonder when I think good things about myself that I think them because that makes me feel better. I doubt my own motivations and feelings. It's proper epistemology but a little tough on the ego. It leads to going around in circles. Do I think it's the proper epistemology because it's my epistemology? Or is it my epistemology because it's the proper one? I'm Schrodinger's cat.
Because of the torrent, I figured that the Sunset Song Circle at Wagner Park would be canceled. I didn't bring my stadium seat. It stopped raining during therapy and thought that maybe it would happen. The problem is that I'd still be soaked and uncomfortable. I had to change and would not have time to go home, then change, then get there. So, what happened? There was a song circle and Terre said it was a great one.
Getting home and putting on warm dry slipper socks and sweat pants and a hoodie was also great. It had warmed up so I didn't do the hot chocolate. Instead I overindulged on raisins which is where you came in.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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