I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
March 16, 2017 - 11:34 a.m.
I was going to pat myself on the back for something I didn't do this morning but realized there's no way to tell you and not be obnoxious. So just take my word for it and pat me on the back.
Yesterday was Wednesday which no longer means therapy but I had already made my psychiatrist appointment to immediately follow it so I still made the trek, just an hour later than usual. I love seeing my psychiatrist; she's fun to talk to. I told her it's like paying her to be my friend. It's all about getting a feel of my mental state. Being a good patient is one of my skills; I've had enough experience. I take notes of things I need to tell her. One of the things on this month's list was an episode of what I now know is hypnogogic hallucination. They are not the same as ordinary hallucinations. It's not as serious. My longtime Gentle Readers know that hypnogogic is one of my favor words. It refers to the state immediately preceding sleep. I have been mispronouncing it all these years, the last two syllables do not rhyme with logic. Both g's are hard. I have had the hallucination before. As I'm falling asleep I'll feel like a trap door opens and I'm in freefall. It's very disconcerting. It's also fascinating as it's all in the middle ear, the other senses contradict it. I feel I'm falling but see that I'm not. It's probably related to the meds, she isn't sure. She's going to do some research. Thinking about it now I realize that some of the things that I've called dreams might have been hypnogogic hallucinations. I'm putting this in my notes for my next session.
My other note was that the pharmacy had misfilled my prescription for sertraline. I had been taking 3 50 mg pills a day, two in the morning and one in the evening. A 30-Day supply should be 90 pills. They gave me only 60 pill and the bottle said 100 mg. I took my usual number but told her about it at the session. Anyone caught why I was an idiot? Yeah, she upped my dosage to 200 mg and each pill was now 100 mg. So for a week I was taking an extra 100 mg a day. She said to not worry and just take the right amount for now on. I'm always so good about meds and math. I think it's because it was early in the morning or late at night when I started taking them. It was also several weeks after I had seen her and forgot she upped the dosage.
I'm not sure about calling this an idiot story. I usually sit in the hospital lobby until five minutes before the bus is scheduled to arrive. Eight minutes before I thought of getting up and leaving but decided to read one more article online. As I approached the stop, three minutes before the bus was scheduled, I saw he bus come and go right by the stop as nobody was there. I've been taking this bus for ages and it is usually late. It is never early. When I was in Partial and went there every day I didn't get out until the time came yesterday and never missed it. The bus comes just once an hour so I had to walk. Was I an idiot for not leaving when I first thought of it? For now on it's what I'll do.
My therapist says I shouldn't use negative words to describe myself. I made a conscious decision to continue to call myself an idiot. It's my trademark. Erika felt the need to ask my permission to call herself an idiot. The psychiatrist said that as it's a conscious decision and I do it for humor it's fine. Aren't you glad I can continue telling you idiot stories?
I'm hungry so I'm going to keep this short. There's nothing else pressing to write about. I haven't heard live music in a while. I'm going to start making up for that tomorrow.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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