I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 29, 2017 - 10:13 a.m.
I'm having a bad vision day. To write this I've increased the magnification on word so the type is huge. The fact that I can do that is a useful feature of MS Word; it lets me customize the program to my specific needs. One of the most annoying things about word is that it won't let me open a document in draft view. I have to switch to draft before I write. It just hit me that's the same mindset that makes Facebook inflict "Top Stories" as the default news feed view when I and just about everyone prefers "Most Recent." At least Word doesn't keep switching it back of its own accord like Facebook does.
I was bad yesterday, I didn't take the walk I wanted to take, I didn't even leave the house. I used the excuse that it was because I had my tummy problems but it was an excuse. The fault Dear Gentle Readers lies not in my colon but in my brain. I knew I was making an excuse and took accepted it anyway. There are so many layers to this onion. There's a great exchange in Tom Stoppard play "Hapgood." One of the main characters is a scientist/spy working for both the British and the Russians. When this is discovered someone says, "You're a double agent." He replied that he was at least a triple agent. He didn't know who he was "really" working for. People are like that. I'm like that. You are like that. Motivations are not simple. That's why it always gets me when people talk about the "real reason" public figures do something, as if they knew, as if it were only one thing.
Lots of things always get me. I told my therapist that I'm not judgmental. I keep forgetting to correct that. I'm very judgmental; it's just not about the moral issues that people usually are talking about. I'm judgmental about the way people think or more often don't think. I am part of a Facebook group for bridge players. I get frustrated all the time by the stupid things people say. I have to fight being snarky but often succumb. Right now, I'm getting upset at the responses to one thread where people are demonstrating their total lack of understanding of bridge. Why should that bother me? It's why I can do OK at tournaments even though I'm not a very good bridge player; I'm a not very good bridge player that at least understands the basics.
It reminds of grading tests. I'd often complain here that it made my head hurt. When I grade I get inside the minds of the students and the chaos is like a blow to the head. It taught me a lot about psychology. There is a great deal of randomness where the logic should be in people's thoughts.
Whenever I see someone to something in an obviously inefficient way I get annoyed. The only people that might be inconveniencing is themselves but I still get bothered. I get bothered more when it affects other people even if I'm not one of them. I hate it when there are plenty of seats on the bus but someone decides to not just stand, but stand at the narrowest part of the bus so that everyone else has to squeeze bas them. I hate when people are on a line to buy something and don't think to take their wallet out and look for their money or credit card until the moment they have to pay. I hate it when sports announcers make broad statements with no data to back it up. I'm sorry, Jim Kaat, but middle set up men are not the most valuable players in baseball. He said that in 1996 and I'm still mad at him. Some people have a pet peeve. Some people have a few pet peeves. I'm a crazy cat lady of peeves; I don't have a pet, I have a menagerie.
I have one friend that will do stupid things, like walk in the rain carrying an umbrella but not opening it, just to get my goat. I have cats, I have goats. I can be buffaloed into being annoyed. I am mad at Darren from Bewitched because he won't let Samantha use her witchcraft; that's sexist and controlling. I've felt that way since the show first aired when I was seven. I know very well it's a stupid sitcom but it still doesn't sit well with me. I can't accept a world where Harry Potter is a cultural touchstone and most people have never heard of Tiffany Aching. Thinking that Dawes is a great band should be punishable by being put in the stocks. Anyone what thinks that Carmelo Anthony is the kind of player you build a team around should not even be allowed to watch a basketball game.
Those sins are terrible but I don't care how you dress, what consenting adults you have sex with, or even if you root for the Yankees. It drives me nuts when people are judgmental about those things. I'm judgmental about being judgmental. It's why I told my therapist I'm not judgmental. Nobody likes to think of themselves as something bad. People don't think they are racists or sexists or selfish or greedy. Others might be but they have good reasons for everything they do. I can go on like this forever but I'll spare you because I'm such a good person.
Now it's time to eat. I have to help Jane with a computer issue. I'm the geek-in-law. Then perhaps I'll meditate. Then make a difficult phone call. I should go shopping too but I'll put that off until tomorrow. Wow, I'm finishing this by 10:10. I hope that indicates that I'm more in control of myself than usual.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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