I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
May 12, 2016 - 6:45 p.m.
I'm home from Partial? For most of my life that would mean partial differential equations, that's what not it means now. It's short for Partial Hospitalization Program. It's just a term of craft for a school day of therapy. What the hell did I want to write about that happened yesterday? I could have sworn there was something. What I did yesterday was get evaluated and registered for the program. Can't really think of anything exciting now but I'm pretty sure there was something of interest I meant to write about. Let's fill it in with the usual, space aliens picked me up, did whatever they do in alien abductions, then wiped my memory. Yeah that's sounds credible.
Today for the first day when I had to arrive a half an hour earlier Brynden drove me to the hospital in Harrison. I'll be taken the bus most days. Oh I know what I wanted to talk about from yesterday. This was from after the aliens dropped me back home. I talked to Brianne. Not much to write about here but she helped me a lot. Today would not have gone as well without the talk. My mood changed for the better. You know what else helped? Writing my last entry. Talking about the irrationality of people saying that they knew things would work out for me made me focus on how irrational my feeling that there's nothing but doom and gloom in my future was too. my ego and need to see myself as rational had an irrationally good effect on me.
Ok now back to today. I got there early and to fill out paperwork. The one ridiculous thing was filling in two of the exact same form. Why not just make a copy of it? I'm pretty sure it was a misunderstanding on the part of the person giving me the forms. She had no idea why there were two.
Then I entered the program already in progress. Most of the day is group therapy. I've never done that before. Guess who doesn't have a problem speaking up in group therapy? What I actually watched out for was talking too much. That was true for three of the four groups. The fourth one I didn't say a word, three people dominated the conversation. 90% of the time was spent on just two people. This was the group I really wanted to talk too. the leader was a student intern so his skills were not up to the others. At some point I'm pretty sure he should have said, "Does anyone else have something to share?"
They provided lunch, pulled pork. I didn't know they would and brought a peanut butter sandwich with me. That made a nice snack.
It took me a long time to see the therapist then the psychiatrist. Not thrilled with the therapist but we'll see how it goes. The psychiatrist was all backed up, one of his colleagues is on vacation and the others are covering. He apologized profusely. I liked him. Tomorrow I get blood tests. Yes, I'm looking forward to blood tests. That's because I'm looking forward to getting anxiety meds and that's the first step. I think it's also because I do well in blood tests. I realize that's ridiculous. I know that but I have odd health. I have cataracts and Crohn's disease but my blood tests generally come back, "you're in great health." I have never in my life had a hint of anything discovered in a test when I was already very sick.
I'm pretty sure my day would cause anxiety in most people. I'm there for anxiety and it was probably a lower anxiety day than most. I've never done that before but it's a treatment situation. I am inured to treatment situations. I find myself more interested than nervous. I always want to know what's making me tick both physically and mentally. Not that I found out much today.
One group session dealt with "small adult pleasures." It was a list of things that adults find pleasurable. The leader asked what short term plans we had for something pleasurable. I said, "when I'm finished here I'm calling Brianne, reading Game of Thrones, and then blogging about today. Did you notice the self-reference? I just blogged about the session where I talked about things blog." That is in fact a fourth pleasure and I was looking forward to it. I'm glad I remembered.
That's it for today. Let's see what I can come up with tomorrow. Hopefully more than a rerun of today. Saturday I'm seeing Erin McKeown. I'm still me. We have not reached the day the music died.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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