I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

July 23, 2015 - 11:50 a.m.

The Heart of Darkness

What to do? I had a horrible night. I am paralyzed with anxiety. Last time this happened I didn't write anything else. Today I'll try and fight it by writing. Of course all the things I'm not doing will still be hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.

I did not do my much needed laundry yesterday. Hey I said I was paralyzed. I did get to my PO Box. All I had was an letter from WFUV asking me for money. That did get me thinking of fundraising strategies for me. I don't become a continuing member with auto-renewal because I have too much fun giving at the drives and writing up the reason I support the station. But that isn't what keeps a lot of people from doing it. Talking to callers I have picked up two things. Some like to give only when there's a matching grant, so their money will go further. Some want the shout-out. There could be a partial match for everyone that's chooses auto-renewal. The way I'd do it is find people willing to give a fixed amount for each person that signs up for it. Then put it as "WFUV has raised $100,000 thanks to matches to continuing members. It still needs work. Auto-renewers can be thanked throughout the year when there isn't a drive and the individuals told when it would be aired so they could listen.

I saw something new on the subway. Someone came on the train with a stool set it up right by the door and sat on it. I thought he was going to play an instrument or something. He had a big bag with him. But no, he just sat and blocked the door. He was right next to me. I was on a seat. I think he was mentally ill. That switches me from outrage mode to "There but for fortune" mode. So remember I told you a few months ago about the mentally ill gentleman that stomped on my foot? My toenail is still black. It hasn't grown out yet. I've had plenty of bloody toenails but never from someone on the subway. Usually it's because I dropped something on it.

As I often do I stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home. They were totally out of jumbo eggs. What's that about? Any of My Gentle Readers use jumbo eggs other than me? I got spoiled. Extra-large seem puny now.

So my vision is back to normal, rotten but not blind. I watched a few episodes of Phineas & Ferb when I got home. I appreciated being able to see.

I have fun plans for this evening. I am Fred's +1 at the Indigo Girls show WFUV. Then we are heading over to Hi-Fi in the East Village where Efrat will join us to see The Kennedys acoustic preview of Pete's new album, The Heart of Gotham?. Is there a "The" in the title or not? I'll find out tonight. I usually can't remember the "Heart" and just call in the "New York Song Cycle." I'm a big fan. I have a copy of the beta version but it's been extensively revised since then.

Back to my problems. Falcon Ridge is coming up and I can't think about it without my anxiety going through the roof. I know when I get there it will be heaven but now I'm dying. I can't read any posts about it or talk to anyone about it. I asked someone for help. I hope she sees it.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile July 23, 2015
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