I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

July 31, 2013 - 11:34 a.m.

Don't Panic

I am in full anxiety mode now. It started last night and won't go away. If I make it to Falcon Ridge hopefully I'll get over it. I don't think it is going away before then. I wish I had meds. I have to take care of that when I get back. Of course it's the anxiety that's keeping me from taking care of it.

It hit me bad yesterday. I went into the city to get another pair of convertible pants from EMS and some other camping gear. First I stopped at the post office by school to check my mail. I got there 30 seconds after closing but the woman actually got my mail for me. Glad she did, it was a birthday card from Carey. I was wondering what happened to it. Then I stopped at the bank. The bank is one of my anxiety triggers and that's where it started. it built up as I walked up to EMS, three quarters of a mile uptown. I flipped into worrying about an interpersonal issue that I thought wasn't bad. I talked about it a bit with my therapist and said it hurt but I could handle it. I thought I could but it started looming large. It still is even though intellectually I know how to handle it. It's not like I don't have many friends. If there are issues with one I just focus on the others. But try telling my brain that.

I am having so much trouble writing this and I have so much to do today. Tomorrow I leave for Falcon Ridge

At EMS things were better. I found the pants I wanted. I was wearing an identical pair so I'd recognize them. I love that I didn't have to try them on. What I couldn't find is a dome light for my tent,. Coleman make it. It's this simple thing that I bought years ago that you attach to the roof of your tent. In my big tent I attach it to the netting inside the roof. You put a metal bar on top and put the light under it and a magnet holds it to the bar. Voila you have an overhead light fixture. It's brilliant and cheap. All they had were these fancy lanterns that cast light to the sides and this one ridiculous light that does shine down that you have to tie to something and that costs over $80.

I decided to try Paragon. The anxiety got worse as I went down there. Paragon had exactly the same lights as EMS. The difference is that the salesperson there was offensive. I explained what I want and told him it was under $20 so an $80 lamp was not what I was looking for. He mocked me and said, "I'm sorry we don't have your magnificent lamp." That was not good for my anxiety.

I decided I needed comfort food and dithered forever finding a place. I tried the Pop Pub but they are ridiculously expensive. I ended up an Roio's Pizza. The food was great but it didn't quell the anxiety. It was up to panic attack levels.

I got home and self medicated. I melted peanut butter and poured it over chocolate ice cream. That helped.

I then had to face not being able to do what I needed on the internet because as he does every night one of the tenants uses all the bandwidth. I asked the landlady to speak to him but I know that's hard to do.

I still dont' have the Budgiedome schedule resolved. ugh. When I get there I'm just going to collapse. Forgive me if I squeeze you too hard when I hug.

OK enough of this cry of pain. This isn't what I like to write but it's the only honest thing to write. I bet I could write a breezy funny entry if I tried. Makes me wish I had.

OK I won't leave it at that. I'll write about things that I know are good even if I'm not feeling them now. How bad can life be when I have a glow in the dark Perry the Platypus hanging from my doorknob. It was part of the card that Carey sent me. I just need to put on my fedora and transform into a super spy and fight Doctor Doofenshmirtz. I am so ashamed that when I wrote Carey to thank her I forgot that Doctor Doofenshmirtz grew up in Gimmelshtump. I wrote a back story for why he created the birthday ruininator and it always goes back to his childhood in Gimmelshtump. See even when having a panic attack I can be funny. Well OK not funny, What's the word? Oh right, pathetic.

I am not going to get intimidated by all the things I have to do today. I'm going to start by unleashing the mighty power of bacon when I eat it with eggs. I don't give eggs their proper due. They are the food I eat the most. I have them just about every morning for breakfast. And every morning, especially when I make them myself I marvel at how good they are. And the funny thing is till maybe 8 years ago I didn't eat eggs. know what got me started? The MacDonald's sausage McMuffin. I used to order it without eggs then one day, I forgot why, I tried it. And I liked it. I started making eggs but cooking them well done. I loathed the idea of runny eggs. I've come so far that except for omlets I only make runny eggs, over easy or poached.

That wasn't funny but it distracted me. It made me feel better. See bacon and eggs are good for you. So is chocolate. I am back to keeping chocolate by my bed to help when I panic. If you see me at Falcon Ridge give me plenty of hugs and chocolate. I just had a square now. That did it. I finished it off. Dark chocolate the breakfast of champions.

I won't be updating again till Monday. Of course many of My Gentle Readers will be at Falcon Ridge with me. I should get you up to date on my fantasy baseball team before I go. Your Beloved Batnoses are in second place with 67.5 points, just 2.5 points behind the hated TSC. The race is tightening up. it is no longer a two team race. The despised Vipers as just 2.5 points behind us and the loathed Loose Cannons a mere 0.5 points behind them. One of the Batnoses best players Nelson Cruz will probably be suspended for drugs. If he is I can't even replace him. this could get ugly.

To counteract that I'll think of driving up to Falcon Ridge with the beautiful Brianne and enchanting Honor. Is there such a thing as a slant alliteration?






Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile July 31, 2013
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