I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 13, 2014 - 12:05 p.m.
I didn't update yesterday. That's probably a good thing. I was in deep existential angst and had been since the day before. It seems to have passed now. School is closed and though I planned on going up to WfUV instead I'm taking a mental health day. If I can get myself moving I'm going to play in the snow. I need to get outside of myself. I'll probably try and talk on the phone with someone. Lack of conversations is part of the angst.
Here is my problem. When I start to write about the last few days the angst returns. I'm going to have to write a lot less about things than usual. Sorry people who look forward to my show reviews.
Meg was up first. I never saw Meg for the first time. She's always been someone I already knew. I know that sounds impossible but it' true. Her writing and singing are nothing like Dar's but somehow you want to say she's like Dar. But you shouldn't. being adorable and telling personal stories and singing personal songs is not a musical style. She's Meg. She sings about her dog and then says it could be about her new dog too. That gives you a better idea of who she is than comparisons.
I see Wool & Grant quite a bit because they do the Second Friday series with Carolann. They are wonderful people that sing about social issues and wild women of various stripes. That doesn't mean that they sing about wild zebras.
Darlingside is the one band that was new to me. All I heard by them was at the Emerging Artist Showcase at Falcon Ridge and the sound was terrible. They did not impress me. But everyone told me how good they are. Of course I often don't agree with everyone. I came in skeptical. I came out a believer. They are the real deal. Their songs pass the only test that matters to me. I can listen to an entire song without losing interest or having my mind wander. There are lots of ways to achieve that. They change things up enough in each song that it doesn't become predictable. There's development. There are interesting arrangements. I think the best compliment I can give them that the song that by my usual tastes I should like the least, the bare bones song with just a guitar and four part harmony was perhaps my favorite. Sounding pretty is never enough for me. Most musicians that are loved that I'm not fond of get by on sounding pretty. These guys have content.
I had to run out after the show as I got up at 4 the next morning. That was sad as I had so many friends at the show. But that was also part of my angst. During the show I flitted and chatted but never really talked to anyone.. It was just going through the motions. There is nothing I find lonelier than that. I was feeling bad before the show started and I'm not sure how much is cause and how much effect.
Usually writing makes me feel better. today it's making me feel worse. The angst is coming back. There's a theme you can find running through Wise Madness from the beginning; the feeling that I am or am not a part of people's lives and visa versa. Right now I'm feeling that I'm not. I know people like me. I know some people love me. But their lives would hardly change if I weren't around. I'm at arm's length from everyone.
It hasn't always been that way and you can find entries where I'm so happy that I am part of people's lives. I'm not like John Gorka. I won't always be lonely. It's not the way that I'm built. But it's the way things are now. It helps when I go to WfUV and volunteer. It keeps me busy. I don't go in expecting more than flitting and chatting.
I had planned on posting pictures of the musicians but PIcasa won't let me. I changed the privacy setting to public but it hasn't changed yet. Since Gooble+ ate Picasa it hasn't worked properly.
I said today is a mental health day and I'm going to get back to being positive. I'll go out and walk through Prospect Park in the snow. I'll go to Trader Joe's and hope they have milk and a few other things despite the snow. I'll come home and make hot chocolate.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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