I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 11, 2013 - 12:33 p.m.
This isn't easy to write but I have things to do so I should start. I think the way to handle this entry is to write it as an odyssey.
I really should be starting in Troy, but it was really Ditmas Park in Brooklyn. My first destination was the NYU Langone Medical Center on 31st and 1st Avenue in Manhattan. Anyone who knows the New York subway system will immediately think, "that's a hike from the train." I could take a crosstown bus on 34th street but it might possibly be slower. In any event I like walking. The problem was that it was raining. I came prepared. I wore my overshoes and my hooded WfUV windbreaker. I had an umbrella. Just to be sure I also took out my big poncho, the one I bought to sit in the rain at Falcon Ridge. I put that in my bag. I also had an umbrella. When I got out of the subway it wasn't even raining. I didn't know that 31st street didn't go through so I walked down it. When I reached second avenue it started to rain. I opened my umbrella, I walked a block and it started coming down in torrents. I walked less than half a block to the nearest open door, Starbucks. In that short walk I got drenched from the knees down. I got a coffee and stayed there till I finished it. I then put my poncho on. I was still raining but not insane umbrella breaking hard.
I was there to visit Erika. She has surgery on Thursday. There was a problem with the intubation and needed to take a swallowing test but she didn't know when it was going to be so she told me to just come down. I got there just minutes before they took her down for the test. Good timing.
They have totally changed the way they run hospitals. They let me go down with her. When I was young they wouldn't let me parents come down with me. I not only walked down and waited with her they let me into the x-ray room. I was there for the entire procedure sharing the small shielded control room with the doctor and a med student. They made me feel totally welcome. The test itself was tres cool to watch. They gave Erika things to swallow, a thin liquid, a puree, and a solid, and we watched x-rays of what when on inside her. I could watch the food go down. When something got caught I saw it. It looks like a skeleton eating. The food has barium in it so it shows up dark on the x-ray. I told Erika to tell her boyfriend to not be jealous as I saw her more naked than he ever did. I saw her without her flesh.
I then walked up with her. Between going up and down with her and waiting for people to wheel her we had a good deal of time to talk. She looked and sounded good and was let out later in the day. But I had to go. I started getting into my rain gear as soon as we got back into the room. I had to go to therapy next. I didn't allow enough time to get out of the building and then I just missed the train so I knew I'd be late. I texted my shrink and sent it from the subway. I said I just got off the subway since I knew it wouldn't be sent till then. It wasn't too bad, I got in her office 8 minutes late. Oh yes that's by Union Square so once I walked back to Park Avenue South and to on the subway it was easy
The next step wasn't so easy, to Brooklyn to see an apartment. I got directions from my phone. It wasn't that far from where I am now, one stop further on the followed by a 13 minute walk. I somehow got on the wrong train, the N. I never do that. I think it was on the wrong track but maybe I'm wrong and it's always there. In any event I got involved in reading the Times and didn't notice it till I had gone too far to get to the . I went to look at the subway map on the train. There were people standing near it and I said excuse me. I lightly brushed the man standing next to me. He sneered "You could have said 'excuse me'" I said that I had and he glared at me menacingly. The people around me noticed. He backed away but I was quite happy to get off the next stop and get away from him. I had to go back several stops and take the . That was actually closer to the apartment than the . The detour cost me about half an hour. The apartment as in a generic looking high rise on Ocean Parkway. The neighborhood didn't seem to have much more than residences. It would not be an interesting place to live, somewhat like Briarwood. But the apartment was a nice studio and there is a laundry on every floor and I figured I'd take it. The owner was anxious to have me. Someone was living there now and I wasn't quite sure when I could move in and I needed a place in the interim. So on to the next leg my journey.
I went to look at an apartment in Spanish Harlem. It was back on the Lexington Ave line the same as the hospital and Union Square. But I had no choice on what order to see things. I got up there and it was a very small studio but I knew I'd take it immediately. first off I'm renting from a friend of a friend. Secondly I walk in and see a keyboard instrument on the floor that I couldn't immediately identify. It was a clavichord. I have only heard about them and seen them in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He got on the floor and played something Baroque, probably Bach. I didn't ask. I was wonderful. He's a classical musician. He also had a piano and the queen of classical keyboard instruments a two octave accordion. He has a copy of the Silmarillion on his shelf. His bathroom is covered with posters with a picture of Bach on it. I'd feel very comfortable there. I'm moving in tonight.
I then headed back to Brooklyn. I was exhausted but happy, my living arrangements were taken care off. But no. I called the owner of the apartment in Brooklyn. There's a hitch. I won't go into it but I knew I couldn't take it. So now I have place to live for two weeks but not after that. Can you guess I'm a bit tense. It's back to the drawing board. I somehow managed to not cry.
My therapist was very pleased with me even though I told her about bad anxiety incidents because I handled them. I don't want to handle them. I don't want to have them. And I don't want the long term angst. I'm rationally worried about my future. My plan for my anxiety now is to treat it like my Crohn's disease; know that I'm going to have attacks and work on mitigating them. I take 20 mg of predisone at the first sign of a Crohn's attack. I need to get an anti-anxiety med and take that when I feel an attack coming on. I'd be much happier not having them at all but I don't think that's going to happen.
OK I have to pack up today. I'm going to leave much of my stuff here as I plan on moving back to Brooklyn in two weeks. I appreciate any and all moral support. If you know someone subletting in Brooklyn for under $1200 let me know ASAP.
Now to eat. Life goes on.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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