I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 02, 2015 - 12:00 a.m.
I am going out early tomorrow so I won't have time to write so I'll update now. I'm starting too late I want to wake up at 8:00 so I should be asleep by midnight. That means finishing this in 33 minutes. Can I do that? In the old days I used to finish in 20 but I used to write only five or six hundred words then. Now it's usually twice that. But on the other hand I didn't do much to write about so maybe I can.
I didn't have therapy today but my schedule was almost the same. I wanted to go to the bagel store nearby to stock up for the week. They are half-price on Mondays after four I also had to go to my PO Box. The nice thing is that I didn’t have an appointment at either so it didn't make a difference which I went to first. That meant I could take whichever train came first at Atlantic Terminal. If the then bagels at Union Square first. If th then my mail at Columbus Circle. My destination was geometric either way .And the train that came first was the …. I can see you just shiver with antici………………..pation. The won the race. I knew what mail was waiting for me, two pairs of shoes I ordered from Amazon. I have holes in the souls of my old ones. Why two pair? Neither is my size, I can't find my size at a reasonable price .I'm a 10 B. I'd have to pay $150 for a pair. These are 10 D but similar to the ones I have now that work. I will try them both on and see if either is wearable. I will keep at most one and return the on that fits less well. That is giving me anxiety about my anxiety. Making a return is exactly the kind of thing I have trouble with. I might have to actually ask a friend for help. Well I will in any event as I have to print out the return label and I don't have a printer.
The shoes were there just like they were supposed to be. I remembered to bring shopping bags to carry them in. I can't believe how good I was. Then I got my bagels. Know what I forgot? An umbrella. Good thing it never did more than drizzle. I didn't dress warm enough. I just wore my unlined nylon windbreaker and it was in the mid-fifties. I survived.
I was going to go out tonight but didn't. I was depressed this weekend and you'd think that would help. But if I went I might have triggered anxiety and depression and I didn’t want to risk that. So I missed music I wanted to hear. That's not my usual choice but sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. At home my ego was relatively safe. I just had my usual anxiety and depression.
Tomorrow I'm off to visit Melissa. That will help both anxiety and depression and do wonders for loneliness. I'm going to help her out but it helps me out too. I'm taking positive steps. I'm seeing Carolann on Wednesday. I don't have to spend all my time alone.
I knew I forgot to tell you something that happened on Sunday. I was of course feeing miserable. On my way to the subway, in the rain. I came across someone walking towards me erratically. He didn't seem to be looking where he was going. I moved to the right like you are supposed to. In America we drive and walk on the right. He moved to his left, my right and was still coming towards me. I moved left. He moved left. I don’t' think he even saw me and this was bad luck. He certainly didn't slow down. And so what happened? He walked right into me. Then what happened? He started cursing me out and threatened to hit me. He was drunk or stones or both. Thing is I was so upset about other things that part of me was saying, "Fine start something. I'd love an excuse to hit you." But that was a tiny part of me. I never want to hit someone. I'm not a pacifist. If someone attacked me or a friend I'd have no compunction against violence and I wouldn't fight fair. But that wasn't the case and if happened I'd be sick about it. A better way of putting it was that I wanted to want to hit him. .But I didn't. I have not gotten in a fight since the fourth grade and don't want to end that streak. I depend on my winning smile. A few times I depended on acting crazy and scared the other guy off.
Hey it's 11:59 and I've written 818 words. I think that's enough.
Oh I just realized. I better try on those shoes. I have to wear one pair tomorrow.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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