I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
July 29, 2015 - 12:13 p.m.
I'm falling apart so need to be a Falcon Ridge yesterday. I also need for the Budgiedome to miraculously work out. A job and a girlfriend would be nice too.
I'm not going to beat myself up over what I didn't do. I did manage to get to Target and get an air mattress, a camp chair, and lantern. I didn't manage to make dinner till 10:30 at night and then just made mac & cheese. I don't even like unpimped mac & cheese. I added Taylor ham and garlic salt. Know what I did do? I wrote school and told them I want to teach in the fall.
I did not do laundry. Not doing it today is not an option.
I don't have very much to pack. I have to remember to bring my white suit which I am not going to pack but hang in the car like I did last year. Yes it will be back. I can't do my real job of scheduling but I can make a public spectacle of myself.
I was talking to someone about my anxiety yesterday as I couldn't read emails. One thing I noticed and said is that there is a small part of my brain amused at the total lack of rationality of the rest of me that is dying.
Yes this is incoherent. That's because it's how I’m feeling. It is how my mind is working now. It isn't the rapid fire pinball of my mind working at its best; ideas bouncing off each other and moving in unpredictable directions. It's getting to close to things that hurt then veering off or ideas going nowhere and dying in their tracks.
The things in my head that I really want to write about are things to get you thinking but that means that they are going to get some people mad and I don't want to get people mad right now. I want to be a Falcon Ridge surrounded by peace love and understanding not to mention chocolate and bacon. And what brings that all together? The magic of music. The magic of their singing casts its spell.
The Budgiedome will work out. It won't be as good as it should. Some special people might not be playing because I screwed up. But it will happen. It will still be the happiest place on earth. I'll be with people I love.
I know I've been running myself down. Don't get the wrong impression. I failed but that does not make me a bad person. I know that. There are things I love about myself too. I love the way I write. I love how I appreciate things. And I know how to keep Falcon Ridge well if any man alive possesses the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Dave Carter observed, "This is my home, this is my only home. This is the only sacred ground that I have ever known!"
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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