I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
April 11, 2013 - 12:47 p.m.
It is starting to look that a year and a half on prednisone has finally done the trick and my Crohn�s disease is in remission. I�m not totally off it but I�m down to 5 mg every three days and I�m not only symptom free I seem to be better than I usually am. Of course the rest of me is falling apart; knees, ankles, eyes, and right elbow.
In my Last Entry I wrote about how I am an idiot. Today I�ll write about how I am a meta-idiot. I never meta-idiot I didn�t like. I decided to write about being an idiot when I did something idiotic last night. Then when I wrote the actual entry I forgot the idiocy that inspired me to write it. When you act idiotic recounting the tale of your idiocy that�s being a meta-idiot. My plans on my Google Calendar for last night was to see. Terre Roche�s birthday show at 7 PM then Rebecca Loebe�s show at Rockwood at 10 PM. I was good and wanted to finish grading the Finite Math test first. I did but by then I would have been late to see Terre so I changed my plans to going into the City, having dinner, then seeing Becca at 9. Yes 9. I had the time wrong. I got in a little after 8 and went to eat at Katz�s deli. I wasn�t that hungry and just had a piece of stuckel, knobblewurst on rye, and fries. When I posted a picture of that on Facebook I was informed that�s redundant, stuckel means piece. I�m a fake Yiddish scholar, I just go by what it says on the menu. What did I have to drink? My Gentle Listeners should know what I drink at a Jewish deli. There are only two choices for a good Jew, �Dr. Brown�s cream soda or celray tonic. As I am not going to drink celray I had the cream.
I had great timing and walked over to Rockwood. I got there a quarter to nine. It was crowded and I checked to see who was playing before Becca and then saw Becca wasn�t on at 9. She wasn�t on at 10. She was on at 7. Why did I think she was on at 10? I remember clearly thinking I could go to both shows. I wonder if I got the time for Terre�s birthday show wrong. I am such an idiot. I wasted the entire trip. Those were two shows that I wanted to see very much and I saw neither. I felt like an idiot and that�s what inspired me to write about being an idiot. Then I couldn�t remember this by the time I got home and finished writing the rest of the entry. I�m such an idiot.
Most of the time I�m a cheerful hobbit. Every once in a while my problems overwhelm me and I become despondent. There is always an undercurrent going on in my head. That doesn�t usually come out in my writing and as I try and reveal what�s going on in my head I make a point of telling you when something is bothering me even if I don�t go into details.
Recently, not now, I had a bout of social anxiety. That might not be the right term. Most people use that for anxiety caused by social situations. I used to have that but that�s something I learned to overcome most of the time. It�s the antithesis of the way most people perceive me. I tend to do very well at most social gatherings. Now and then I�ll have a bad day but for now for the most part it�s a thing of the past. If I feel anxious I know that�s nonsense. I�m smart enough, I�m good enough, and gosh darn people like me.
Interpersonal anxiety would be better term for what I experience. It has to do with my relationship with a specific person. I foresee a problem arising that comes from the person either not liking something I did or simply not caring about me as much as I care about him or her. Then I imagine how are next interaction will play out. And I imagine it as going poorly. Then I keep running that scenario over and over in my head. What makes this bad is that too often my fears prove well founded. Sometimes I didn�t have the fears and I should have and I�m emotionally blindsided. Sometimes I act on the fears and tell the person and that makes the person want to avoid me.
It isn�t the same of my usual anxiety which freezes me. When I get frozen dealing with a person it isn�t the same thing. That can happen to someone things are going well with. And of course these fears are somewhat rational.
I�m not sure how accurate I am about this but it always feels to me that people either underestimate or overestimate how insecure I am about interpersonal relations. I of course don�t know what goes on in other people�s heads but my guess is that I�m more insecure than most people but show it so sporadically nowadays so other people experience it with me less often than most.
I�m expecting a student to come and take a makeup test now. I wish the admin would get there then I could go out and grab some lunch.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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Horvendile April 11, 2013
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