I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

April 11, 2013 - 12:47 p.m.

Call Me Myshkin.

It is starting to look that a year and a half on prednisone has finally done the trick and my Crohns disease is in remission. Im not totally off it but Im down to 5 mg every three days and Im not only symptom free I seem to be better than I usually am. Of course the rest of me is falling apart; knees, ankles, eyes, and right elbow.

In my Last Entry I wrote about how I am an idiot. Today Ill write about how I am a meta-idiot. I never meta-idiot I didnt like. I decided to write about being an idiot when I did something idiotic last night. Then when I wrote the actual entry I forgot the idiocy that inspired me to write it. When you act idiotic recounting the tale of your idiocy thats being a meta-idiot. My plans on my Google Calendar for last night was to see. Terre Roches birthday show at 7 PM then Rebecca Loebes show at Rockwood at 10 PM. I was good and wanted to finish grading the Finite Math test first. I did but by then I would have been late to see Terre so I changed my plans to going into the City, having dinner, then seeing Becca at 9. Yes 9. I had the time wrong. I got in a little after 8 and went to eat at Katzs deli. I wasnt that hungry and just had a piece of stuckel, knobblewurst on rye, and fries. When I posted a picture of that on Facebook I was informed thats redundant, stuckel means piece. Im a fake Yiddish scholar, I just go by what it says on the menu. What did I have to drink? My Gentle Listeners should know what I drink at a Jewish deli. There are only two choices for a good Jew, Dr. Browns cream soda or celray tonic. As I am not going to drink celray I had the cream.


I had great timing and walked over to Rockwood. I got there a quarter to nine. It was crowded and I checked to see who was playing before Becca and then saw Becca wasnt on at 9. She wasnt on at 10. She was on at 7. Why did I think she was on at 10? I remember clearly thinking I could go to both shows. I wonder if I got the time for Terres birthday show wrong. I am such an idiot. I wasted the entire trip. Those were two shows that I wanted to see very much and I saw neither. I felt like an idiot and thats what inspired me to write about being an idiot. Then I couldnt remember this by the time I got home and finished writing the rest of the entry. Im such an idiot.

Most of the time Im a cheerful hobbit. Every once in a while my problems overwhelm me and I become despondent. There is always an undercurrent going on in my head. That doesnt usually come out in my writing and as I try and reveal whats going on in my head I make a point of telling you when something is bothering me even if I dont go into details.

Recently, not now, I had a bout of social anxiety. That might not be the right term. Most people use that for anxiety caused by social situations. I used to have that but thats something I learned to overcome most of the time. Its the antithesis of the way most people perceive me. I tend to do very well at most social gatherings. Now and then Ill have a bad day but for now for the most part its a thing of the past. If I feel anxious I know thats nonsense. Im smart enough, Im good enough, and gosh darn people like me.

Interpersonal anxiety would be better term for what I experience. It has to do with my relationship with a specific person. I foresee a problem arising that comes from the person either not liking something I did or simply not caring about me as much as I care about him or her. Then I imagine how are next interaction will play out. And I imagine it as going poorly. Then I keep running that scenario over and over in my head. What makes this bad is that too often my fears prove well founded. Sometimes I didnt have the fears and I should have and Im emotionally blindsided. Sometimes I act on the fears and tell the person and that makes the person want to avoid me.

It isnt the same of my usual anxiety which freezes me. When I get frozen dealing with a person it isnt the same thing. That can happen to someone things are going well with. And of course these fears are somewhat rational.

Im not sure how accurate I am about this but it always feels to me that people either underestimate or overestimate how insecure I am about interpersonal relations. I of course dont know what goes on in other peoples heads but my guess is that Im more insecure than most people but show it so sporadically nowadays so other people experience it with me less often than most.

Im expecting a student to come and take a makeup test now. I wish the admin would get there then I could go out and grab some lunch.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



creative commons
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile April 11, 2013
site search by freefind advanced


Follow on Feedly



about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!