I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

November 28, 2012 - 12:11 a.m.

Prince Myshkin.

I'm feeling bad about myself now. I'm going try and analyze it and maybe it will help in the future. Maybe not. At least it will lead into why I find some things that other people do so annoying.

My mission for today was to get my computer set up. I failed. First I kept putting off. Then I put it off. then I put it off again. Then I finally went to do and found that I all I brought back from storage was the box, the monitor, and my external hard drive, no keyboard, no mouse, no power source, no connecting wires. How could I think that would do? I'm an idiot.

It was that fear of discovering I'm an idiot that kept me from setting it up immediately. That's my anxiety issues in a nutshell. I found the prospect of discovering the problem so overwhelming that I avoided it. Yes that makes the problem even worse. It means putting off the solution. That's a nice rational way of thinking about it. Too bad that's not the way my brain is working. Intellectually I'm a rationalist. Ask me what I believe about anything and I'll try very hard to base it on reason and I do so more than most people. I never consciously let emotions trump logic. But when it comes to this I'm not in control of myself. I can't do what I know is the right thing to do. I'm working on being able to do it but right now I can't. Just writing about it here has my heart pounding.

Someone asked me the other day if losing my apartment because of my anxiety issues had an effect on them. The answer is yes, it made them worse. I didn't have to learn the consequences. I knew the consequences. I rationally knew what I had to do. All losing the apartment did was let me experience just how bad it was. That makes me even more anxious. it's a vicious cycle.

I have to back off now from looking down from the 10 meter platform at the pool now or I'll never get to sleep tonight. So I'll talk about something somewhat related. When I realized I couldn't set up my computer I felt like an idiot. Know why? I acted like an idiot. Yes I'm smart but that was idiotic and I know it. I'm not going to beat myself up over it forever but I gave myself a good swift kick in the metaphorical butt. And that made me realize why I find some people so annoying. I call them stupid but it's not about a lack of intelligence. I don't find unintelligent people annoying at all. They can't help not being intelligent. And just as smart people can act stupid, unintelligent people can act smart.

The stupid people that annoy me are the people with native intelligence that not only don't use it but don't seem to want to use it. They don't want to be bothered with thinking. There is one person that I'm finding it more and more difficult to deal with. Every time I hear his [the coin flip said to refer to this person as male] voice I cringe now. I just don't want to have to deal with him. Here's an example of the kind of thing that he does that I find annoying. This isn't exactly what happened, I don't want him to ever find this and feel bad about what I'm saying so I'm transposing the key but keeping the melody the same. There's a Catholic priest, "Father O'Malley that sings a with a woman Mary O'Malley. He said to me, "I talked to my friend who thought that Mary was his sister. I don't know why she thinks that. I'm sure that I heard that she's his wife." I explained that catholic priests can't get married so she can't be his wife. OK so far it can just be a brain fart. His brain just misfired. If he gave herself a dope slap I'd have had no problems. Instead he said, "But I remember hearing that she's his wife." The logic of the situation meant nothing to him. He wouldn't think it through. That's what I found insufferable. He never even acknowledged that his friend was reasonable for thinking they were not married. He ended up with "I'll have to find out if they are married." This is man with a graduate degree. It isn't like he isn't capable of putting two and two together. I just don't have the patience to deal with that. I try to avoid talking to him so I don't have to end up explaining the simplest things. I try and stay civil but if he's around I'll have ear buds in my ears even when I'm not listening to something. They are just a "don't talk to me" sign.

I'll finish off with something else that is not frustrating, something that will made me feel good. I made a real dinner today. I had bought chicken wings last week and froze them. I defrosted them today and made Buffalo wings. I don't have my poultry shears to disarticulate them here so I used a chef's knife. I remembered reading that they were originally designed for boning small things like chickens. It worked great. Better than the shears. I don't have my grill so I made them in the oven. I kept the temperature too low. They were cooked but didn't brown. No matter. Once I added the sauce they tasted great. I learned from Paul to add olive oil to the hot sauce. I did a bit more than that. I also made garlic bread for the first time since I left the apartment in Brooklyn. It was wonderful. I made the garlic butter in a tupperware type container and then made the sauce in that so it also had butter and garlic in it. I also made mashed potatoes for the first time in ages. I almost made bacon to put in it but thought that might be going a bit too far. For dessert I had a hot chocolate. I'm feeling better already just talking about it. Food is a reliable source of comfort for me. It's a wonder I'm not more overweight. My therapist said that If I'm going to walk across the George Washington Bridge I don't have to worry about calories. That's not true of course. To walk off that chocolate crepe I had the other day I'd probably have to walk 10 miles. Maybe more. Still it helps. I do stay active.

Now I'm going to post this and get to bed. Does the Hobbit open tomorrow? If it does I'm going to see it. Anybody want to see it with me?

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile November 28, 2012
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