I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

May 06, 2012 - 1:47 a.m.

It's not you it's me

Im going to try and start writing regularly again. Im not sure if Ill be able to. Well see. I have to make some adjustments. I wont be writing about the rabbit hole. Thats a tale like the Giant Rat of Sumatra for which the world is not yet ready.

I did not speak a complete sentence to anyone today. I was in total isolation. Thats probably not the best thing for me right now either. I decided to self medicate; no I didnt buy illicit drugs or even over the counter. I am not drinking. I bought chocolate. I figured it might have a placebo effect. But doesnt a placebo only work if you think it will really work? Yes but the placebo effect is real so I do think it will work. In any event its chocolate and that makes it good. The worst that will happen is that it will have no effect on what Im taking it for but it will make me happier because its chocolate. Chocolate doesnt really need an excuse. Its inherently good. It isnt as if Im gaining weight. Judging by my pants Im losing a lot of weight. You wont notice it because Im on prednisone and thats making me retain fluids so my face and belly are getting bigger. I think if I were off the prednisone and shed the extra water Id be thinner than Ive been since right after my surgery in 2001.

I have not been reading enough so I went to the library and took out Hornblower on the Atropos. I love book series. I know Im going to like what I read . Its like spending time with old friends.

Its not you its me. Thats the classic breakup line made famous by Seinfeld. Its more than that though. It is an important distinction in a persons perspective in all sorts of situations. It might be better put as It isnt the society, its me. Each of us has to learn when things are our own responsibility and when it isnt. Responsibility isnt blame. It isnt always fair. Things are sometimes beyond our control. But you still cant expect the world to accommodate you but you appreciate when they do.

Food is a good example. I have a fairly restricted diet mainly do to taste but also from health issues. Im always nervous about accepting invitations to dinner because there is such a good chance I wont be able to eat what is being served. Remember Im the guy that lost all his friends because he doesnt like rice. I dont like pasta. Nobody doesnt like pasta. If I go out with friends its about socializing not the food and well find someplace that everyone likes. But if a group of friends say, were going out for exoticaland food do you want to join us? Ill say no because I dont want everyone to miss out on exciting exoticaland food just because I dont like it.

One of my pet peeves is when people just dont see that its them. A student missed a test a colleague of my gave and wanted a makeup. Why did the student miss it? I had other things to do. I guess to him thats a universal truth and not something about him. Of course I had a student that had a baby and wanted to take the final a couple of days later. Thats going too far and I told her she was excused from it. Sure it was her but there are the times the world can accommodate you, at least when Im the worlds representative.

This is not nearly as organized as it was in my head before I started writing. Whats the point again?

Is this even worth posting? Yes, just so I post something. Tomorrow Ill do better. Think of this as a pitcher coming off the dl and getting lit up his first start. You let it slide. Its him not you but we know it happens to everyone at some point.

Im really tired now so it isnt going to get any better.





Annoying People - September 03, 2016
This Play Was The Pits - September 02, 2016
Banking on Getting Better or Avoiding Katastrophe. - September 01, 2016
Unlike Gilligan I Got Off the Island - August 31, 2016
Call of the Wilder - August 30, 2016




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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License. Horvendile May 06, 2012
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