I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

May 06, 2012 - 1:47 a.m.

It's not you it's me

I'm going to try and start writing regularly again. I'm not sure if I'll be able to. We'll see. I have to make some adjustments. I won't be writing about the rabbit hole. Like the Giant Rat of Sumatra, that's a tale for which the world is not yet ready.

I did not speak a complete sentence to anyone today. I was in total isolation. That's probably not the best thing for me right now either. I decided to self-medicate; no I didn't buy illicit drugs or even over the counter. I am not drinking. I bought chocolate. I figured it might have a placebo effect. But doesn't a placebo only work if you think it will really work? Yes, but the placebo effect is real so I do think it will work. In any event, it's chocolate and that makes it good. The worst that will happen is that it will have no effect on what I'm taking it for but it will make me happier because it's chocolate. Chocolate doesn't really need an excuse. It's inherently good. It isn't as if I'm gaining weight. Judging by my pants I'm losing a lot of weight. You won't notice it because I'm on prednisone and that's making me retain fluids so my face and belly are getting bigger. I think if I were off the prednisone and shed the extra water I'd be thinner than I've been since right after my surgery in 2001.

I have not been reading enough so I went to the library and took out Hornblower on the Atropos. I love book series. I know I'm going to like what I read. It's like spending time with old friends.

"It's not you it's me." That's the classic breakup line made famous by "Seinfeld." It's more than that though. It is an important distinction in a person's perspective in all sorts of situations. It might be better put as "It isn't the society, it's me." Each of us has to learn when things are our own responsibility and when it isn't. Responsibility isn't blame. It isn't always fair. Things are sometimes beyond our control. But you still can't expect the world to accommodate you but you appreciate when they do.

Food is a good example. I have a fairly restricted diet mainly due to taste but also from health issues. I'm always nervous about accepting invitations to dinner because there is such a good chance I won't be able to eat what is being served. Remember I'm the guy that lost all his friends because he doesn't like rice. I don't like pasta. Nobody doesn't like pasta. If I go out with friends it's about socializing not the food and we'll find someplace that everyone likes. But if a group of friends say, "we're going out for exoticaland food do you want to join us?" I'll say, "No" because I don't want everyone to miss out on exciting exoticaland food just because I don't like it.

One of my pet peeves is when people just don't see that it's them. A student missed a test a colleague of mine gave and wanted a makeup. Why did the student miss it? "I had other things to do." I guess to him that's a universal truth and not something about him. Of course, I had a student that had a baby and wanted to take the final a couple of days later. That's going too far and I told her she was excused from it. Sure, it was her but there are the times the world can accommodate you, at least when I'm the world's representative.

This is not nearly as organized as it was in my head before I started writing. What's the point again?

Is this even worth posting? Yes, just so I post something. Tomorrow I'll do better. Think of this as a pitcher coming off the dl and getting lit up his first start. You let it slide. It's him not you but we know it happens to everyone at some point.

I'm really tired now so it isn't going to get any better.

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile May 06, 2012
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