I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

February 27, 2012 - 11:15 a.m.

Love and Other Tragedies

Hey I finally figured out how to set word 2007 default style the way I want. I hate having it put in two line breaks every time I hit enter. There are too many times I don't want it to do that and it isn't a big deal to hit enter twice when I do.

Yesterday pretty much didn't exist. I was seriously sleep deprived and couldn't get myself to do anything that required concentration. I missed not one but two concerts last night that I wanted to go to. I just couldn't get myself to get up and out. The furthest I got from my apartment was the garbage shoot across the hall. Till then I didn't even cross my threshold, just opened the door to bring in the Times.

The only energy I was able to expend yesterday was on cooking. What did I try new for breakfast? Hey I remember. When I was at City Winery for Cherish the Ladies one of the women Susan and I shared a table with mentioned that her son only liked his grits sweet. I had never even heard of making grits sweet. I decided to try it so I put maple syrup in it along with sausages and poached eggs. I then mixed it all together. It was good but I prefer it savory. I'll do it now and then for a change. This mixing things together to make a mélange is a new thing for me. I've never liked that but now I'm trying it more and more. Blame my soup obsession. I made the bacon-potato soup for dinner again. I say again but this is the first time I made it with what I consider the definitive recipe. Eating it still makes me very happy. I'll be making it once a week which means eating it twice a week for a while. I like how my skills are improving. I can cube a potato much faster than the first time I tried. I've also gotten better and dicing or is that mincing the garlic. I finally learned how to smash peel the cloves.

I did NOT watch the Academy Awards. It's too depressing since I hadn't seen any of the films. I really want to see Hugo. Why don't I?

I did have a ton of things to write about. Let's see if I can actually recapture my thoughts today. I know one thing I won't write about but want to touch on. Something is making me feel simultaneously validated and slighted and thing is that it isn't actually contradictory. Both emotions are justified and natural. It just sounds like they shouldn't go together, you know like peanut butter and omelet.

The February sweeps are almost over and my readership is down 12% from January. Of course it crashes every year in February. Perhaps readership should be seasonally adjusted like unemployment numbers. My gain from a year ago is almost exactly the same as it was in January. So the question is do I let that affect what I'm writing. I have to things on my mind, religion vis a vis the Koran Burning related deaths in Afghanistan and my love life. I know which will attract more people and it isn't an analysis of religion.

I am very circumspect writing about other people's relationships. I often don't know how public people are about them and if I have any doubts I don't write about it. I won't call people a couple unless it is obvious that it's obvious to everyone else. Sometimes that makes writing tougher but it's more important to be a good friend.

The thing is that I don't write about my love life either. Now to be honest I don't really have a love life and I do mention that now and then. But I do have desires and ambitions and sometimes people are even interested in me. I often mean to go back and say something about it after the fact when nobody will have a clue who I'm talking about but I don't think I ever have.

I'm 54 and single and clearly not good at this romance thing. It gets harder the older I get too as a greater percentage of the potential candidates are taken. But every once in a while I find someone available that piques my interest and sometimes that pique blossoms into more. Sometimes I get frozen in indecision. At one point there were two women who were possibilities and I sort of felt that what I actually wanted was a combination of them. Now I know that I should actually act on these things more but that's one of the things I find difficult to do.

There was one woman that I decided was actually right for me and a big part of that was thinking that she liked me too. She had the quality that makes me get over all my doubts, ease of great conversation. Not making small talk but conversations I can get totally absorbed in. Ones I have trouble walking away from. Ones that move from place to place. Ones that make me think but that I don't have to think about what to say next. So here I was waiting to have a serious talk with her and what happens? Our schedules hit total conflict. After seeing her frequently we couldn't find any time together. I had to bring it up not in person. So what happened? I was shot down of course. That makes me even more gun shy. I not only lost the romantic possibility but it made the friendship awkward. We don't have the great conversations any more.

Then there was the woman that chased me. She was more persistent in pursuit than I was. I had no idea what to do. I've never been in that situation. I'm afraid I didn't do a good job at that either.

So should I just become a monk? Nah, I like the hoods but there's that whole religious thing and I don't actually want to be celibate. Though my ability to be so is one of my qualifications to be pope. Once I'm pope I'm changing things of course. No way being pope isn't a babe magnet and I'm taking full advantage of it. Talk about your papal dispensations.

Is it a problem that even when I'm trying to serious about my emotions I can't resist making jokes? Well it's who I am. I'd like to think that some woman somewhere thinks it's adorable. Liking to think things is not a good way of determining what's true. That's who I am too.

When I was planning this out yesterday it was a bit more maudlin. I'm not sure if that is more emotionally honest or simply more melodramatic. It isn't how I'm feeling now which is why I didn't include it but I'd be remiss to say that there are times that do feel that way. Oh hell I'll quote Cyrano. Or am I quoting Rostand? I've quoted the last act here before on numerous occasions but not I believe this line. This isn't my favorite translation but I'm not going to hunt down my physical book. It's too easy to copy and paste a website

You blessed my life! ... Never on me had rested woman's love. But I have had your friendship -- grace to you A woman's charm has passed across my path.

Now I'll go back to not writing about love and romance on a personal level. Just wanted you to know that I am actually reticent about something and that it's going on behind the curtain.

Now I'll see if I can get anything accomplished today. I have emails to catch up on, a test to write, and I might have to go shopping. I'm going out every day after school this week so I won't be able to go to Trader Joes in the city so I might go to the one near me that is much more of a pain to get to. Maybe I can hold out till Friday when I'm going out later in the evening so I can go shopping, run home, and then go back into the city. I can just go the key food here to pick up some staples. Oh and I should do laundry too. I've managed to get my laundry down to once every two weeks from once a week. That helps. Buying more underwear improved my quality of life.

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile February 27, 2012
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